To my surprise.....

So after the night I had on Tuesday I just knew that my Birthday would still be full of tears, depression, resentment, all of that, but I ended up having the best day!  My co-workers had a surprise gathering for me in which I received Red Velvet Cupcakes, some new tea to try and another gift card to Starbucks......was just really nice :-)

S texted me, "Good morning Beautiful"....... wth ???  I didn't respond until hours later and was like "Should've been Happy Birthday.....smh".  His response was as if I didn't give him a change - SURE - smh.  Then he sends the whole "Happy 25th Birthday to the most beautiful woman I know... I wish you many more right by my side".  :-/  I simply respond "Thank you" and then he puts that he loves me............................................................................................................................................................

So in other news, the day before on Wednesday I won a beautiful Tea Ball from Tea With Rae !!!  She is a Soror that also Blogs and is an Aids/HIV Activist.  I was surprised and quite excited to learn of this news :-)

I have tomorrow off and suppose to go out on tonight (trying to keep word despite nasty weather) but I hope to have even more fun on Saturday with my friends at the Basketball Game and Dinner *huge smiles*

~Peace & Blessings~



Tea Ball - but hopefully mine will be red :-)



Excited to try!

Love Red Velvet Cake *mmmm*

Friday!

Ok first on my mind is how much time I take to think of a title to name my post........I really dislike that lol I just want to write! 

Anyway, got my relaxing hot bath in last night!!!  My son was out skateboarding with his friend and my daughter was at a Volleyball practice with her friend so I got in so fast lol  PEACE & QUIET!  Had wanted to take a picture but totally forgot so may have a surprise later on...... ;-)

Got an enexpected call last night........from you guessed it....S.  Was shocked (kinda) but he said he was just calling to see how I was.  We talked about dogs because I want to get one, the different types and his breeding experience.  I appreciated the call but kept my cool, it's just a call from a friend.  Buuuuuuut then this morning I received a surprising text.........it was a very explicit pic that I had sent him a very long time ago.  The words read "I miss it!!!  Daaaaaaaamn why did you leave me?!!!"  :-/ No response needed but I first sent that I was shocked he even had because didn't think he kept them or even cared.  I then sent that I didn't leave him......... But we both knew he was kidding so.....

Moving on....... Had my CASA Interview today....excited that I was accepted!  Dislike the Monday-Thursday-Saturday training schedule but only have to do 2 each and this is something I've been wanting to do for a long time so......

Getting my hair braided on tomorrow.....Love my braids...my favorite protective style and has helped my hair grow so much over the past 6 months.  Not to mention less time in the morning #Winning....

 

To the right you will see what I brought for lunch today. 

Was reading some information on top foods for healthy hair by

WebMD.  Today I have some blueberries, bananas, strawberries

and walnuts.  I have a co-worker that knows what my rump

looked like before all the stress this past summer and in his

opinion I should be eating real food before doing any fast lol

Oh well.......have gotten use to less meat and better choices. 

Now with this I realize I am not a big fan of the blueberries fresh like this :-( so instead of leaving be will just add to my morning Chobani Greek Yogurt for now :-)

So for a little eye candy.... I love fishnet stockings and decided to wear a pair since had to dress on Friday due to interview soooooooo enjoy!

~Peace & Blessings~

Challenges......

Had a wonderful weekend....my son had a Holiday Concert which is always really nice.  My daughter sung in the choir the past 2 years and then my son decided this last year to take the class.  Afterwards we took a family photo by the huge Christmas tree in the foyer, went to Walgreen's the next day and had printed on Holiday Cards *huge smile because was a really cheap gift to send our family which they will enjoy a lot*.

Sooooo on to this weekend....... S has been doing awesome with the communicating and reaching out but of course me and my spoiled self want more.  I realize that since our talk (and Jupiter visit) he has not actually picked up the phone to call me....... :-/  I wait......responding to messages.....wait.....got out the house with my girlfriend just to catch up with her and then........I let the texts roll.  I told him that while I appreciated the messages recently that I still would like to hear his voice.  He called and was like "You will not be happy until I just get a damn ring will you"?.  Well.....basically yea lol  But all jokes aside he told me that texting his is form of communication, that he doesn't like being on the phone caking all day, and that as long as he knows I'm good (knows where I am) he's good but that he doesn't understand the need to keep reassuring me that he's "Behaving".  I told him that this change has just occurred within the last week!  Granted I decided to let the past be the past and give him a chance to prove differently but I'm sorry if in the back of my mind I still have moments awaiting his phuck up.  Was talking to my co-worker and he expressed how he went through some things with his GF and it seems to me that when men apologize and are attempting to make amends after their mishaps we're to just "Wa La" be back on the smooth sailing trust ship.  Granted I don't condone checking phones etc., but if that's where she discovered your infidelity then that may be what she needs to rebuild trust....... IDK  I told S that I didn't need to check his e-mail, facebook, nothing because all I wanted to do was validate my feelings (in which he repeatedly told me I was trippin') and have physical evidence in which I ended up retrieving.....there's nothing more that could be done at this point (well maybe someone being pregnant......). 

Moving on..... He stated that he was tired of saying the same things and I just apologized that it's not that easy for me but I hope that he see's I'm making progress.  I wait to actually talk to him and not go on texts fits and unlike him I didn't blow his phone up after realizing he again did not call me.  He then surprised me and asked if I wanted to go eat and to a movie.  AND even mentioned staying the night.  Now this is a shocker because 1. I have to be up super early for work and he has nothing to do since classes are out. 2. We've spent a lot of time with each other these past couple weeks.  I'm not complaining, very appreciative, but of course wondering why STILL.  We go to see "Red Dawn" (awesome by the way), have dinner, and then back to my place.  While he's in the room I go into the kitchen to get some water and AMBUSH.......................................................................................from the counter, to being bent over the couch, to the bed.............................................................................smh  I don't know what got over him but MAN.......last night was straight phu*king...... *giggles*  Well there was a mixture I'll be honest, it's just us, but hard to explain the level of passion we feel it's just......................................................................*sighs*

Anyway once finished we talked........... I mean talked........this past couple talks have been really deep.  A friend led me to ask him about being emotionally detached.  On the phone he first stated that that was not the case, he loves me, in love with me, and very attached.  But then as we talked he began to open up more and more about his actions with these girls.  I knew he had been hurt in the past (Fiance' cheated and ended up pregnant by another guy) but I never realized the extent and damage it could do to a man.  I asked him how he could love me so yet be with another woman and he told me straight up "You're not gonna like what I'm about to say....are you sure you wanna know?"  "I care about you, love you, but enjoy the company of women point blank.  I could take my feelings for you, box them up and sit to the side.  I get to know women, different things you all like, how you operate, and yes I'm guilty, but I could give 2 phucks about how they feel, how their day is going, anything.  After past hurt I told myself I wouldn't allow that sh*t to happen to me again and that the woman that wanted me I would have to know without a shadow of doubt truly did love me".  By this time I'm looking dumbfounded........  I asked him but why keep me around but change out females so much, rotating ???  He said because unlike them I was a challenge (?).... "Do you know how many of these chicks be in my face telling me they love me, wanna have my baby, need me in their life?  I'm sure they be telling other dudes the same thing".  But this is when I asked him but how do you know..........how do you know they don't actually mean it?  He broke down the cycle and as torn as I was I listened because again he was really opening up and I wanted to know inside of his head.  He said, "Yes I enjoy meeting women, first couple of days conversation is cool, you talk, get to know each other, but then you realize this isn't what I want and they start falling by the way side.  They start texting the same 'You don't call me, you don't make time', and they're right I don't.  One woman I have made sure I make time for and keep is you."  But I then asked him if he realized that I was one of them women.......like I've really been proving my damn love. *sighs* I then asked him again why now........why such the epiphany.  He responded "Because after you blocked me and shut down I realized that I could lose you.  You have been here for me through a lot sh*t, through all the hurt you're still here and I realized I may actually lose you and I can't see you not being in my life".  He admitted to being emotionally detached, broke down difference between where we are now and what it would mean to actually be in a relationship.......calls for no reason, breakfast/lunch, etc., he just started listing things and I asked him "Do you realize you do some of those things now?"  This very conversation reminded me of a friend that I have, was 45 at the time, found out he was in a relationship (moved past all that, they're married and now talk to him like a big brother every now and then) anyway he confided in me that he didn't realize he was in a relationship until a year or 2.......he realized that he was doing all the things yet saying he wanted none of it (parking lot pimping Kappa smh lol) But S's words made me think back on this.  He says he's not "there" yet, yes he loves me, yes he wants to be monogamous, yes he is DONE playing, yet I'm like so all that's missing is a title...........?  He enjoys our time, want to have more of it, nervous about stepping into a Step Father role because he grew up with his father, he didn't have his physical mother but his dad took him and raised him so he told me he needs help in that area. "I need Step Father for the Dummy".  Only thing is how can I help him if I don't know myself........ :-(  It would all be new to us.  Difference is my children are older, they're teens, they've been raised (minus little life lessons to now experience).  I have no idea how this should go.......

Anyway, think I've written enough.  Oh.......of course after 2-3 hours of talking, expressing, opening up about who all we've been with this past time period, we ended up at it again smh  4 am.......I.....AM......SO......TIRED......
One thing we do have on point is our sex.....mind blowing, hair pulling, "body folding" as one of my readers would say *giggles*....... Now if his actions will continue to align with what he's conveyed recently.......................

~Peace & Blessings~