God's sense of humor......

It never fails.....every time I say I'm done with dating, I give, that I don't want to meet anyone new....someone new comes along.... 

On Friday S came to my office, said he wanted to apologize for the way he acted and knew he needed to before I blocked him for good.  That he was out of line and never should have taken his frustration out on me.  He then stated that he's told me time and time again that for serious/emotional talks he wants to have them face-to-face....I then reminded him how I wasn't the one that pushed the talk, he did.  He said he was also sorry for the communication and how we don't talk but then turned around and went silent again......  I realized that I'm so focused on wanting his actions to align with what comes out of his mouth yet I don't do it myself.  I say I want consistency, a commitment, yet I continue to open my legs for the feel of the moment.  We both have admitted that the sex is on point....NO problems there whatsoever.....but I say I want him to communicate more and not be so comfortable with how we are yet I continue to allow the behavior...answering and being there when he does decide to call. I want my man to miss me....I don't want him to be able to go a day without talking to me 'cause he just knows my every move and knows I'm not doing anything :-(  Every weekend I experience some silence, text here and there, and then when the workday starts I get a Good Morning text or some type of call....resulting in him needing something.  I've tried not answering/responding, when he pissed me off I called Sprint and had him blocked, but then he shows up at my job apologizing for temper, behavior, whatever has happened and I fall back in trap it seems.  Now I'm not saying my temper is the best but I truly believe my emotions are the way they are because of what I'm dealing with.  I'm tired......like really tired.  I was trying to be that "down - she's been here for me through all my ups, downs, bull sh*t" woman but believe I'm at the end of my rope....but it's not working.

So back to the first sentence.... I spoke about God's humor to say out of no where I had 2 ex flings call me, one being very adamant about a future with me which lead to a confusing argument.  I told him that he didn't know what I had going on in my life, married, pregnant, etc., yet something in his life compelled him to call me after so many years and want to pick up where we left off *inserts Katt Williams wth face*.
The other which is N....who is walking across the stage for graduation this coming Saturday....and then I mentioned God's sense of humor because while I really wasn't in the mood to attend church yesterday I pushed and came out with a lunch date smh......lol

I have a list that I've given to God regarding the type of men I do NOT want, it is as follows;
-Pastor's
-Minister's
-Rapper's
-Athlete's
Yet over lunch I find out that the gentlemen is an ordained Minister.............I just shook my head.  I'm learning not to tell God what I want but I'm really not trying to be a Minister's / Pastor's Wife.  That's a big load to take on.

*sighs* I say I'm done, just maybe want to raise my children, get my Passport and travel and then someone new comes along or someone from past.  But think I'm really gonna take the next 6 months to work on me.  I came across a Vlog "How to break Sexual Soul Ties", by Quentin McCall....was very enlightening.  Foundation for why we keep going back to each other... Why through all the BS I continue down this path.... The hurt....disrespect....as if I don't deserve more.  I think I spoke on it before but a student asked me how I think my husband would feel with the choices I've had in men..... talk about an eye opener.  Yet here I am still trying to hold on, putting time in, for an outcome that may never be what I want.

~Peace & Blessings~