Sunday, August 29, 2010

Something/Someone Has Gotta Give........

....it seems like when I decide to cut men/dating off one always comes around that makes me think~maybe, just maybe I should give this one I try. Suppose to be doing my homework (was written 2 days ago) but got some things on my mind.....like am I ready or should I really stick to this break from the opposite sex?

Although I never regret getting married at such a young age I hate the fact that I'm really ignorant when it comes to dating. Who calls who? Building trust....letting someone in to know just exactly who u are.....ur secrets.....
At times I feel I'm gonna grow old alone. The kids graduate high school in 7 years and after that it will just be me.
I really need to take this time and focus on school, becoming a teacher, and raising my little ones. The roller coaster is for the birds.

~PnB~

R.I.P. Julius Pollard

Just found out my grandfather passed this morning.......

I feel bad because I was just home in California but couldn't make it down to Southern CA after spending so much on plane tickets for the kids & I. I made sure I called my dad almost everyday, checking on him (and my way of checking on grand-parents), but never called "Grand-Bubba". I hear different one's say "I'm busy", or "I didn't hit you because I'm so busy" but after Allen died I really stressed that we make time for the things we want or deem important to us.

A lot of thoughts are racing through my mind right now.....this new guy and how our time will be, my laziness with school work, my time with the kids, how much I talk to my own mother.....

I don't want to be too busy for my loved ones, or those I hold dear to my heart....

~Pnb~

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Change Of Plans......

So today was quite productive.....at least around the house. I made my run, and although felt tired didn't take a nap until after I got my sis for her break (and even then it was a very short one).

I got finally got a call, well text, from my friend "hey you". I use to look forward to those words from him......but that seems to be all....once a week. And then, when I respond and ask how he is~nothing. So I didn't even see the point in starting to put my heart and feelings through that.

Darius finally got all his equipment and was able to get on the field today. As for my eye candy.....I'll now call him Mr. Opolusas. Now I know I just murdered that and quite frankly too tired to search the correct spelling~but I did get to see him. We actually sat next to each other and talked during practice. This is where I was informed that my Labor Day plans would change~the first game would be during the very first Port City Classic *sighs* At least I finally get to see my baby play........oh and see Mr. Opolusas again ;-)

I'm proud of myself. Having to be up between 5 & 5:30a.m. I've been trying to be in bed by 10 and tonight......I did it! Sweet dreams ;-)


~PnB~

Shawty Whatcho Name Is.......

So......I neglected to mention I had nice eye candy to look at while being annoyed AND tired during the kids weigh-ins last Saturday (forgot if I even blogged about that ordeal). Anyway, his son plays on the same team as Darius, they are from Southern Louisiana, and his grandmother had 16 children *woow* He's a twin, not sure where he works, but has a nice body.

Yesterday, I saw him at practice and he looked sooooo good. Like on Saturday he wore some nice jeans and a top but yesterday was some bball shorts and a tee~that of course showed more bod ;-) lol. Hey, its been a minute and even a nice glance is like a breath of fresh air.

Practice again tonight..... ;-)

~PnB~

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Slowly Getting Back.......

So Sunday I made it to church. I haven't been to my church since early June.....so bad. I do good for so long and then fall off. It seems like ever since my sis moved in I've been lazy, not nasty but not cleaning like I normally do, slacking with school work, some may say depressed. But, this is another reason I'm happy the kids are back. During the school year, especially the beginning, I am so on it! Dinner planned for the week, homework schedule, chore assignments, sports, you name it its on schedule. Now, I'm slowly but surely getting on it.....and I will....its what us mom's that strive to be great do. Plus my house runs so much better with consistency and structure.

~PnB~

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Nice Timing.....

So last night I finally got to hang with a friend that I basically been flaking on all year. It was her birthday and just when I thought about not going (due to other guest members that were to show), I remembered how I'm suppose to be dating myself and NOT standing even myself up. Now I wouldn't actually call this my date but I did have a blast. I wore this little black dress that I've only worn once before with leggings......very short....but none the less I felt sexy and that's all that mattered. Had my favorite black open-toe stilettos and itty bitty thong- which I contemplated cause wasn't gonna do underwear at all.

Another reason I was happy to get out is today made 7 years since Allen has been gone. I didn't want to sit home, reminiscing and feeling blue. Being out didn't stop me from thinking about him....that will never happen...but I dwelled more on the happy times. Guess u can say I celebrated his life more than dwelled on the death.

The club was really nice....BamBou Lounge, and I'm thinking of making that the place for my bday party ;-) I honestly think I met my match on the dance floor as well, although I think he might be gay, I had a blast two-stepping with him! LoL. This very well may be my last time going out besides Labor Day (still up in the air) and Homecoming (which is now in the air also due to my anti-social feelings making an appearance). Idk.....we shall see.

~PnB~

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Pole Please....

Yesterday I seriously contemplated putting an app in at "The Palace"........that, or find a fat, wealthy, (wait-maybe not fat. I like big boys but not sloppy fat....ok), semi-attractive man to marry for $$, (since love obviously is on pause). After being up all night our flight left for 6:10a.m., therefore we had to be at the airport at 4.... After arriving to airport it would be too much to ask ride to pick us up on time, although they knew info hours earlier. Get home almost 2 hours later and was like forget a nap, kids have Middle School Orientation tonight. (UGH!) Now granted I'm trying to keep all excitement cause although nervous this IS a big deal for my new 6th graders. Sooooo go outside to start car and OF COURSE it won't start......that would just be too easy. Somehow I left car light on for over a week. *sighs* moving forward ~ get to school and it is packed :-( Next 2 hours is filled with School Pictures, info updating, P.E. Uniform payments, and biggest of them all - Lockers & Combination learning. Sweet baby Jesus I thought I would loose my mind. But, but, after 20mins (most spent helping my precious son) lockers began opening without my tired, drawn-out guidance in the background (right - pass twice, left - pass once, right - stop). At this time I contemplated walking my lil people through where their classes are and then thought......HELL NAH! Two kids, with 2 different schedules......psh.....mind u car has been running entire time cause was told alternator needs to recharge and want to make sure it starts again, so instead I show them where first is and figure I'll highlight school map for them. Walking from the lockers, watching kids everywhere stack shelves in their with little mirrors inside it hit me, I need to get on the pole ASAP. $$$ and help needed before I pass out somewhere.

~PnB~

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Back To My Reality

So I finally watched "Love Jones". Can't believe I've never seen it. Crazy but there have only been 3 men in the last 6 yrs to make me that head over hills. At least Darius was able to move past his ego and fears to let Nina know exactly how he felt.

Anyway, sitting here on my mothers couch, all packed and ready to go, and my mother is no where around.... Yes I am very sad.... I wanted to spend our last night here with her but in trying to surprise her she had another agenda. Why am I sad? Because it's not like I get to see my mom when I want, wherever I want. We went to the cemetery today, I'm usually in tears once I hit 50 East, but today....today not so much. It will be 7 years this Saturday and I feel as if I'm finally making progress in healing. I never went to grief counseling 'cause I never felt there was anything anyone (especially someone who knows nothing about me), could say to ease the pain of loosing him. I know it wasn't my fault but hearing that from someone else did not matter either so......

I'm ready....*sighs* I'm ready to return home and get busy. Busy with my career, busy with finishing Grad school & Sign Language. Busy with being a mom. Busy dating me.

If I cross paths with him, whomever he may be, so be it.....but it is far from MY agenda right now.

4 hours til flight.

~PnB~

Monday, August 16, 2010

I Still Blame Me......

Sitting on the balcony of my mother-in-laws place it is so peaceful. My mother-in-law has always had this peaceful, tranquil state of mind and when u enter her space it shows. From the house plants to the Bob Marley pics, scenery of Jamaica strategically placed on different walls, incense and space .....its just peaceful here period.


This morning I woke and thought to revisit a decision, or action, I had tried earlier last year but end up falling off (hence got off track driving back & forth to LA), so I've been thinking about giving it another shot. I know you're wondering what it is so here~6 months of not dating anyone but myself. Once a week, maybe every other week, taking myself to something new/different/exciting etc. And just me! No kids, no friends, nada. I will try my hardest not to stand myself up, be real about what I'm feeling, and be honest with myself. The other day I realized I still blame myself for my husbands death. No matter what others say, and even though I know there was nothing I could have done to stop that bullet, I still blame me. Until I work through those issues .........I dare not try to fill the void of emptiness, loneliness, by settling with the imaginative life in my head, and an imaginative man who has his own issues of insecurity's to deal with.


I know it won't be easy, it never is, but let the journey begin.


~Pnb~

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Torn....no more

Yea so I don't want to be torn between something old and possibility of something new. And, since one pill comes with side effects of an ex, and the other I'm just scared of the side effects it may bring on, I don't want either pill.
And although I still have difficult moments I continue to tell myself this very thing so that it can truly become my reality.

It is what it is, nothing more~nothing less.

Live each day to the fullest.

Remain true to thyself, first, others second.

Regret nothing, annnnnd

Enjoy the moments......that are hopefully more pleasurable than nerve wrecking.

~PnB~

Could've told me.......

Soooo it seems that everyone knew of my sexiness before I did. I remember a status I had once on facebook which read, "Now I know why my G-Mama made me dress like a Nun when younger". Growing up I honestly did not know what it was that made the boys always want to pick on me....slapping my butt etc. I mean I know I had a big butt, I understood my skirts always fit weird, but I never truly understood my shape until I started wearing more fitting clothes and watching what men (black men.....well I catch others staring too) went crazy about. It actually took me moving to the South and hearing men actually say "cute face, small waist, and a big behind" lol.
I saw a friend that I grew up with in church tonight (Saturday) and we were talking about how life changes and how people change mentally as well as physically and I brought this up......and this is when he replied "No, we always knew u had all that" lol. Ummmm ok.
And this is why I sugar-coat nothing for my kids.....especially my daughter who is slowly getting the shape of her mama.

~PnB~

Benzocaine please....and a lil more than 20%

So, it is very hard to feel sexy when one's mouth is in such excruciating pain :-( Like I just want to cry....which I can't cause tears would ruin my Mascara that's not water-proof ugh! Yea, those are the thoughts going through my head right now. I can have on a pencil skirt, wrap blouse, and 4in stilettos and NOTHING could take my mind off the war zone on the inside of my mouth. Jesus please be some Benzocaine.......50%.

~PnB~

Saturday, August 14, 2010

My Little World.....

My little people (pause~yes I call them little people. Y u ask? Because that's what they are. I raise them to be self sufficient. Being a single parent, moving to a place I knew no one, I had to raise them to help more than anything. They can cook, clean, prepare for school, just can't work or drive. And, just when I feel as if they don't need me :-(....I'm reminded quickly with some smack, kick, or fight that I have to break up~end pause) are so off the chain. If u are not a parent there is nothing like the free comedy shows your child brings for your enjoyment lol. My daughter is 12 and has more of an sarcastic undertone....u either catch it or u don't. My son on the other hand straight clowns....I think my brother annoyed me so much that he came out acting more like him than his father smh


I never would've thought in a million years that I'd be raising them alone but I'm grateful to God for them. They start middle school this year and while I'm nervous as hell they are obviously ready to spread their wings......
I know I'm not perfect and can't protect them from everything but I pray daily God encamps His angels to watch over them. When I gave birth to them I gave them to God....can't go acting like I can change things now.


~PnB~

Friday, August 13, 2010

Carrot Cake......

"I remember years ago~someone told me I should take~caution when it comes to love"........and I didn't. So I got a text last night that made my heart skip a beat....but then bring me back to reality. I miss my friend but what I actually miss may have just have been a figment of my imagination. I feined for him like a man who's taking me on a million dates, has spent countless hours sharing dreams, fears, and aspirations when truth be told there was never a date....not one. The only time spent on the phone is finding out where we were before staying the night with each other. As for dreams, fears, or aspirations.....well..... I felt special when he let me in on a secret of being allergic to Orange Juice, and that's not so much secret material so maybe just the fact of learning something new after 2 years gave me pause. He makes reference that twitter is just that, twitter, but its all I have to show me how he interacts with others, his attitude. One minute its serious about putting God first, the next I guess I'm to assume is a joke.... "waiting for another chick to get off work same time as me", or who's gonna give him head for the evening, etc. I put him on mute to blind myself of what I didn't want to read while wishing he would talk to me just as much, and then ultimately gave all social networks a break from my life period.


See I no longer want to feel confused nor confuse myself ~ one minute saying what I want in a relationship, the type of man, yet playing myself with a guy that doesn't even do the basics. I have a lot to offer besides being sexy....and when I say sexy I don't just mean my 32-30-42 figure ~ this includes my demeanor, attitude, strength, education, independence period. I don't know too many women strong as I am, not putting down I just don't. So for me to take all that and yet deal with a man who can look at me as if I'm just an option proves that I need to change this pattern. I don't want to come off as "stuck-up" or "too good" but definitely feel where those type of women are coming from. Things change when u not only know, but remember your self-worth.


~PnB~


Carrot Cake, just happens to be a fav & dessert for tonight ;-)

Fresh air.....

So this is my blog from 2 days ago.....so in love with my Blackberry, and just figured out I can post on it as well lol. Anyway~enjoy :-)

So yesterday morning I ran.....felt so good to run with a nice breeze out, maybe too nice. I think I've finally gotten use to the warm temps of Houston because 65 definitely had me felling like I was freezing. I enjoyed visiting with my mom...not sure how much longer I'll be able to stay away but..... Age, & not working out is finally catching up with my bro. He was always this skinny Andre 3000 looking fella....now cheeks pudgy and belly~looks just like a dad lol. Haven't seen my nephew yet, hoping by end of week. He's getting so big and I wish I could be around more :-(


Anyway, still haven't heard from a friend. A friendship I thought so tight is unfolding before my eyes while they faithfully update their twitter I'm sure. Btw~ I haven't even glanced on twitter or fb so very proud of myself.


Taking a moment for the ones that show me I matter.


~PnB~

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Pause on the play.....

So I'm sitting in the airport waiting for a connecting flight to California, pondering on my life as usual, and it hits me ~ I fight so hard to not become the "Bag Lady" Erykah Badu sings about in her 'Mama's Gun' album.......but in the words of Drake, "I feel it taking over".  I've been nice and sweet for so long....I get hurt, cry, take a time out, then jump right back at it.  The men that I have gone out of my way for, have expressed my care and love for, have either phucked me over getting another woman pregnant or now view me as a threat that can't be trusted because of what their ex has done to them.  I never in a million years would think a man could look at me and say they're afraid of me........that I'll break their heart, or that they can't trust me.  But, I also know that I am guilty of this very thing.  I once had an older married friend tell me that just like I look at men and assume they have "groupies" and can't be faithful, those same men look at me, my charm, my body, and assume men flock and all my needs are met.  I wish I knew where 'cause car insurance is due next week and kids need back-to-school supplies in 2 weeks.


I don't want to be and refuse to grow into this old bitter woman that decided to just give up on love and all whom hold a penis.  I need to take a step back and make sure what I'm putting out is what I'm wanting in return.  The Laws of Attraction.  I don't want to keep attracting sorry men, and therefor something needs to change with me.

~Peace & Blessings~

Monday, August 9, 2010

10 more hours.....

10 more hours til I gather my lil people from California. My kids have been in CA for about two months now. After my husband was murdered in 2003 I went away to college in Louisiana and his family, as well as mine, have taken my kids every summer since. During this time I basically wil' out.....lol But seriously, it's a time for me to refocus, relax (if not working like crazy), party, see "friends", and just for a pause in life act like I never had them....... Is that wrong to say? I mean I'm gonna be honest ~ I have thought about what my life would be without them.....but honestly, I wouldn't want my life any other way. They give me so much laughter and joy. I thank God for entrusting such a task of motherhood in my hands. I truly believe He knew what he was doing when He placed them in my life because I would really be off the chain. With my children I've learned how to be unselfish, unconditional love, and most of all patience.

I haven't had too many men around them, not the atmosphere I ever wanted to create. But the ones that are blessed to be in their presence are one's that treat me with respect. See I understand that I'm not only raising a little girl without her father but I'm also raising a little boy that will one day become a man himself. I want my daughter to know how it is to be treated by a real man, as well as , how to conduct oneself. I want my son to know what it is to be a man, something that I'll never be able to show him. I know I'm not a man and will never be able to truly relate to my son, but, what I can do is place him around other positive men to help him.

Has it been easy? Hellllll No!
Dating and being single, or being with the same guy for so long and not really knowing how to date has it's challenges. But I know I no longer have time to keep making the same mistakes. I realize I have a bad habit of choosing men who are not ready emotionally, spiritually, mentally, or financially.......but am I ready myself? I say I'm ready for someone in our lives, but then I also say I want to accomplish things I would like to see in my mate so it becomes a contradictory statement. I do know I want companionship. It would be nice to have a friend, a true friend, that loves me for me, does not judge me, can communicate, and most importantly makes time for me. I love hard and I give hard so when I come across someone that doesn't hold those same attributes its a battle........one that I should never engage in to begin with. I'm learning though. While I regret nothing I ask God to show me the lesson in every trial and tribulation, after which, I pray I pass once tested again.

"Because you never know where life is gonna take you and you can't change where you've been......" You pull your Vickie's up, smile and keep moving. ;-)

~Peace & Blessings~