Saturday, December 29, 2012

Responsibility.......

Christmas has come and gone and just in a short amount of time things have changed. This will be short as I am trying out this new Blogger App - but either way S and I ended things......like really ended things. It came down to him not being ready. Telling me you love me and your afraid to lose me yet you would like to meet other girls was not connecting for me. He ended up looking me in my eyes and telling me that he is not ready to step up to the plate.....and when he tells me he loves me and doesn't want to lose me he means that he knows he will continue to hurt me and would rather step aside now then the love I have turn into hate and I really dismiss him from my life. He is tired of hurting me, he does feel bad knowing I've cried / stressed and he knows why he calls me crazy. He jokes and calls me crazy but it's all behind him, and while he's now trying it feels as if I'm more focused on when the next phuck up will be instead of enjoying the moment. For the first time I had a man actually be honest with me and admit to just not being ready. My ex from almost 8 yrs ago just finally admitted this mess a couple days ago and he's older than me smh.

Bottom line it hurt ~ but I felt it was coming so I cried my tears and then of course got back to life. See I can't waddle.....life doesn't stop with pints of Ice Cream or Shopping Binges for me 1. I'm lactose intolerant and 2. Broke *giggles* but honestly I'm a mother and a strong woman so I pull my lace Vicky boy shorts up and keep moving.....hit my duck walk and let the pain slowly flow off my back.

2013 is in 4 days and I've been spending my time wisely ~ cleaning my home each room at a time, time with my children (when my son isn't with his boys), and just relaxing / enjoying my paid time off. I accomplished a lot this year 1. New Car 2. App complete for PhD program 3. First NBA Game 4. Did a little more for my self personally (Example: Am now hooked on Brazilian Wax's ha). I have completed my new list of goals and it has definitely grown. I've also added a word that I would like to focus on this year *RESPONSIBILITY* I vow to take responsibility for my love life, my happiness, my health, my mental stability, my time, my education, basically my overall well being. I procrastinate badly and will try to use my time more wisely.

Thanking God for another year of His blessings in advance......

~Peace & Blessings~

Friday, December 21, 2012

Boyfriends Vs. Husbands

I've heard this saying before but too often it becomes second nature to me to praise and treat a boyfriend as if he's my husband.......dropping everything for, making sure fed, making sure straight, sexually, mentally and physically meeting every possible need all while suppose to be "in fun".  Have said it before - if I keep giving so much of myself now I'll have nothing left for the one who deserves it all.  If I remove the special attentiveness I risk losing what I've worked so hard for (yet still don't have), they have "psycho moments" because are no longer receiving these "good deeds". 

I'm done...... Years and years of heartaches and yet I'm told to "just have fun".  Amazes me that having fun has still left me alone, single, and not being treated the way I would like.  I could say this decision is based off of the New Year....partly is....but I just had a man that I've been dealing with for the past year and a half tell me out of all the sh*t I've done for him and being here that although he would like to progress with me he would also still like to "get to know" other women and is not ready to be committed to me fully.  I have just paid for a service that I am not guaranteed to receive.

*sighs*

Natural Hair and No Sex.......we'll see how this goes......

Dear John......

Knowing you has had it's ups and downs over the past year and half.....we've fought, laughed, cried (me of course) and while it hasn't always been the happiest of times we're still here....still friends....still loving each other, still having fun with each other.  But.....we both know that this isn't going to have the happy ending that I've been holding out for.  When we first met all you talked about was us....our future.....the kids....being in our lives....but somehow along the way that vision became blurry.  The vision no longer included me and our time was soon replaced.  Recently we've been talking more in depth just about us, what led to different behaviors and how different events took place.  You've been communicating more which I appreciate but I think we have two different meanings for "behave" and are still on different levels.  Behave to me meant that for all this time you've played around, lied, didn't appreciate or give us a chance, that you were gonna step up and do that, be the man I needed and you once spoke about.  You had said it the week after your birthday - how you knew that you hadn't been the man you knew you could be and be for me......and then things went sour shortly after.....and here we are again....  When you said behave you said it meant to communicate more with me, not lie, not sleep around, but then backed door with comment of wanting to entertain and meet new women still.  I'm sure meeting new women is what got us off before....... You say it isn't spending time but I feel any time you're on the phone talking or texting someone else that's time that could be spent talking or texting me. Anytime you're entertaining another woman whether it be movies, lunch, dinner, that's time that could be for us.  You go home to your mom and dad and can't pick up the phone to check on us, say hello, Happy Holidays, texting here and there, so I know I can't expect a call when you're out of town, yet you mentioned inviting girls up to "get to know".  I've spent the last year and a half trying to make that time for us, getting to know us better, but I'm tired of doing it alone.  I could be giving someone else that same opportunity to get to know me......my children......someone serious about giving us a chance.  You've changed up on me so many times from Homecoming last year to the minute after you crossed into your Fraternity this one.  I made excuses and tried to give space for school and now realized that wasn't the case.  I thought that being here no matter what would finally win me the Grand Prize, but while you say that I have you......I honestly don't feel that I do.  If I truly had you you wouldn't care to want to be around or entertain other women, for me to even hear you say that after saying how much you love me and didn't want to lose me was crazy......but it was truth.  If I truly had you I would be a part of your life in all aspects......not a piece.  That's what being afraid to lose my love looks like.

I love you, always will, but I think it's time for us to go our separate ways.  Please do not call, text sending sad faces or stop by my office.  As hurtful as it may sound we both just need to let this go.............

Goodbye John........

K.Q.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

2 things........


So I travel about 30-35mins to work each day.  As one can imagine with any commute this time is filled with laughter listening to your favorite morning show (mine would be Rickey Smiley and Yolanda Adams), or with thoughts........many....many thoughts.  As I was driving today I begin to think on a few things......of course relating to S (duh).  First thought that came to mind last night was if he were only communicating more because school was out and pretty much everyone is gone.  He told me that wasn't true - ok, believe.  But as I was driving  into work there were 2 things that gave me pause........1. The fact that he's still interested in meeting women (For example during our talk he mentioned how he was taking a trip with the guys and if they met some females yes possible they would invite them to room to hang, doesn't mean he trying to sleep with them, etc.).  The 2nd was the fact that when I mentioned meeting his family for Graduation he already feels that it will not happen.  His first response was "Well you know how I am with my family and when I get around them.  You will meet them one day but I can't say that will be the day".  Graduation is 5 months away and this is how he feels already......  Now, I'm in a little predicament, during this ride I became very emotional, tearing up, can't quite say it's all because of these thoughts running rampant in my head, or, if the fact that Aunt Dot (as I affectionately refer to my cycle as) is due to  visit Christmas Day to be exact. *sighs*
Whenever I have these thoughts the first thing I do want to do is text him how I feel........but I didn't......wanted to get my thoughts out here first before (actually seeing if I'll feel better and thinking rationally).  Anyway, hope someone has some feedback for this one.....

~Peace & Blessings~

**Today I'm attending our Department's Christmas Party!!**

SN: After writing I decided to go have a mini-photo shoot in the Lady's Room and I'm feeling a little better *giggles*

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Note taken......

No date night....... So received the news I figured I would receive in regards to our planned date night.  Guess since I figured it would happen I was not totally shocked.  He said that his father needs help moving back to town and his father offered to help him with his lights in exchange.  Now I've heard him talk about his dad in past so wouldn't put that part past him but...........................................................................I'm like did you tell him this was important?  His reply was yes.......  I just was like ok.  Been working on my attitude and instead of harping on things anymore I already told myself that I would pay more attention to actions and that's what I'm doing.  I did have a silent moment though......communication is picking up, going into 2nd week now, so do I take the baby steps and be grateful until I reach my point or do I give in because I'm not getting what I want now?  I mean if I decide to let it go it's not like someone else is about to appear and nicely feel the void.  Christmas is next week......and sad and tired of spending the Holiday's alone without family nor companion.  Had to quickly check my emotions because I knew they would go from the date to the actual Holiday.  I could say I want him to spend Christmas with us.  I could ask why even if you visit your family first why can't you visit us afterwards?  But why........why do I need to ask any of that?  A person will be where they want to be.  I asked for my Birthday, I asked for Memorial Day weekend, I asked for his Birthday.........I'm not asking anymore.

Noted

~Peace & Blessings~

Monday, December 17, 2012

Challenges......

Had a wonderful weekend....my son had a Holiday Concert which is always really nice.  My daughter sung in the choir the past 2 years and then my son decided this last year to take the class.  Afterwards we took a family photo by the huge Christmas tree in the foyer, went to Walgreen's the next day and had printed on Holiday Cards *huge smile because was a really cheap gift to send our family which they will enjoy a lot*.

Sooooo on to this weekend....... S has been doing awesome with the communicating and reaching out but of course me and my spoiled self want more.  I realize that since our talk (and Jupiter visit) he has not actually picked up the phone to call me....... :-/  I wait......responding to messages.....wait.....got out the house with my girlfriend just to catch up with her and then........I let the texts roll.  I told him that while I appreciated the messages recently that I still would like to hear his voice.  He called and was like "You will not be happy until I just get a damn ring will you"?.  Well.....basically yea lol  But all jokes aside he told me that texting his is form of communication, that he doesn't like being on the phone caking all day, and that as long as he knows I'm good (knows where I am) he's good but that he doesn't understand the need to keep reassuring me that he's "Behaving".  I told him that this change has just occurred within the last week!  Granted I decided to let the past be the past and give him a chance to prove differently but I'm sorry if in the back of my mind I still have moments awaiting his phuck up.  Was talking to my co-worker and he expressed how he went through some things with his GF and it seems to me that when men apologize and are attempting to make amends after their mishaps we're to just "Wa La" be back on the smooth sailing trust ship.  Granted I don't condone checking phones etc., but if that's where she discovered your infidelity then that may be what she needs to rebuild trust....... IDK  I told S that I didn't need to check his e-mail, facebook, nothing because all I wanted to do was validate my feelings (in which he repeatedly told me I was trippin') and have physical evidence in which I ended up retrieving.....there's nothing more that could be done at this point (well maybe someone being pregnant......). 

Moving on..... He stated that he was tired of saying the same things and I just apologized that it's not that easy for me but I hope that he see's I'm making progress.  I wait to actually talk to him and not go on texts fits and unlike him I didn't blow his phone up after realizing he again did not call me.  He then surprised me and asked if I wanted to go eat and to a movie.  AND even mentioned staying the night.  Now this is a shocker because 1. I have to be up super early for work and he has nothing to do since classes are out. 2. We've spent a lot of time with each other these past couple weeks.  I'm not complaining, very appreciative, but of course wondering why STILL.  We go to see "Red Dawn" (awesome by the way), have dinner, and then back to my place.  While he's in the room I go into the kitchen to get some water and AMBUSH.......................................................................................from the counter, to being bent over the couch, to the bed.............................................................................smh  I don't know what got over him but MAN.......last night was straight phu*king...... *giggles*  Well there was a mixture I'll be honest, it's just us, but hard to explain the level of passion we feel it's just......................................................................*sighs*

Anyway once finished we talked........... I mean talked........this past couple talks have been really deep.  A friend led me to ask him about being emotionally detached.  On the phone he first stated that that was not the case, he loves me, in love with me, and very attached.  But then as we talked he began to open up more and more about his actions with these girls.  I knew he had been hurt in the past (Fiance' cheated and ended up pregnant by another guy) but I never realized the extent and damage it could do to a man.  I asked him how he could love me so yet be with another woman and he told me straight up "You're not gonna like what I'm about to say....are you sure you wanna know?"  "I care about you, love you, but enjoy the company of women point blank.  I could take my feelings for you, box them up and sit to the side.  I get to know women, different things you all like, how you operate, and yes I'm guilty, but I could give 2 phucks about how they feel, how their day is going, anything.  After past hurt I told myself I wouldn't allow that sh*t to happen to me again and that the woman that wanted me I would have to know without a shadow of doubt truly did love me".  By this time I'm looking dumbfounded........  I asked him but why keep me around but change out females so much, rotating ???  He said because unlike them I was a challenge (?).... "Do you know how many of these chicks be in my face telling me they love me, wanna have my baby, need me in their life?  I'm sure they be telling other dudes the same thing".  But this is when I asked him but how do you know..........how do you know they don't actually mean it?  He broke down the cycle and as torn as I was I listened because again he was really opening up and I wanted to know inside of his head.  He said, "Yes I enjoy meeting women, first couple of days conversation is cool, you talk, get to know each other, but then you realize this isn't what I want and they start falling by the way side.  They start texting the same 'You don't call me, you don't make time', and they're right I don't.  One woman I have made sure I make time for and keep is you."  But I then asked him if he realized that I was one of them women.......like I've really been proving my damn love. *sighs* I then asked him again why now........why such the epiphany.  He responded "Because after you blocked me and shut down I realized that I could lose you.  You have been here for me through a lot sh*t, through all the hurt you're still here and I realized I may actually lose you and I can't see you not being in my life".  He admitted to being emotionally detached, broke down difference between where we are now and what it would mean to actually be in a relationship.......calls for no reason, breakfast/lunch, etc., he just started listing things and I asked him "Do you realize you do some of those things now?"  This very conversation reminded me of a friend that I have, was 45 at the time, found out he was in a relationship (moved past all that, they're married and now talk to him like a big brother every now and then) anyway he confided in me that he didn't realize he was in a relationship until a year or 2.......he realized that he was doing all the things yet saying he wanted none of it (parking lot pimping Kappa smh lol) But S's words made me think back on this.  He says he's not "there" yet, yes he loves me, yes he wants to be monogamous, yes he is DONE playing, yet I'm like so all that's missing is a title...........?  He enjoys our time, want to have more of it, nervous about stepping into a Step Father role because he grew up with his father, he didn't have his physical mother but his dad took him and raised him so he told me he needs help in that area. "I need Step Father for the Dummy".  Only thing is how can I help him if I don't know myself........ :-(  It would all be new to us.  Difference is my children are older, they're teens, they've been raised (minus little life lessons to now experience).  I have no idea how this should go.......

Anyway, think I've written enough.  Oh.......of course after 2-3 hours of talking, expressing, opening up about who all we've been with this past time period, we ended up at it again smh  4 am.......I.....AM......SO......TIRED......
One thing we do have on point is our sex.....mind blowing, hair pulling, "body folding" as one of my readers would say *giggles*....... Now if his actions will continue to align with what he's conveyed recently.......................

~Peace & Blessings~

Friday, December 14, 2012

My Hair Twist.....

I am really loving my Two Strand Twist..... Attempted to Flat Iron my hair Sunday (in which flat iron's kept cutting off due to a shortage in cord) and my hair was so dry the entire week.  The weather changed and the two textures just weren't working.  My hair is grew a lot over the past couple months and I'm trying to keep it that way with the harsh winter hair.  The week before I had did my first twist and my hair was so soft.  For moisture to twist the hair I used a mix of leave in conditioner and different oils (Coconut, Grapeseed, Olive, Tea Tree, and Jasmine for scent). So.......I'm going back to the twist and leaving it be.  I don't think I'll do the BC (Big Chop) because I don't do well with drastic changes at all buuuuuuut I will be leaving chemicals and definitely heat alone for a while.  My goal is to make it at least until the Summer - I'm excited.....

This helped keep my ends together since my ends are still nicely trimmed from earlier this summer.

Some of my favorite oils..... I use the coconut oil religiously and can't even remember the last time I actually used lotion for my skin.  The Lavender and Jasmine were for my candles but now I put them in the tub, candles, and now add a couple drops in my leave-in solution for my hair :-)

Shaky Ground......

Two days later and S is actually surprising me...... I've been allowing him to contact me first, whether it be a phone call or text (while I realize it's mostly text and that's just how he operates), and I enjoy it.  We're not holding the phone listening to dead air and are actually having good conversations.  He's deciding on starting career or going into Grad School, I of course pursuing Doctorate.  Buuuuut I must admit, my lil conscience that's sitting on my left should has her lips pierced together, rolling her eyes like chick it's only been two days please.... that ninja is gonna show out again smh lol  I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.  I was hesistant but asked him on yesterday why now?  Why in such a short period you now want to decide to "behave"?  He simply responded "Because I want to...." MEN....... Either way I said I would allow his actions to show me more than his words and right now he gets an A for effort.

In other news..... I got a Gold Card from Starbucks in the mail (that's when you know it's real lol)  Yes I am a Starbucks Junky! smh  But recently with this change in lifestyle, diet, etc., I've actually laid off coffee.  Very proud of myself and now get their Green Tea Latte's :-) 

Christmas..... This time of the year is an exciting time but also one that saddens me.  I haven't spent a Holiday with any of my blood (besides children) in 9 years now.  My mother, father, are all in California and I miss them dearly.  I have my god-mother that I try to visit but she's about 6 hours away and while I was trying to make that trip this Season my funds will not cover....I struggle just trying to get back and forth to work weekly so.  Summer of 2011 I was out of work and bills got so far behind that I am still trying to play catch up.... Then last Christmas my car went out which I was finally forced to have a car note.  Now don't get my wrong I'm not complaining but this is where we are right now.  I'm thankful, we have shelter, some food, lights, heat, and I have a close girlfriend that will be cooking in which we will be at her house for Christmas day but I pray and will be planning to do better next year.  Have even contemplated taking my tax return and buying our tickets early in the year so that we're already set for the trip.  I'm also thankful that my children are not spoiled brats, expecting everything, they are grateful and understand that I just can't go all out like that.  I will sacrifice a bill and set aside something for them though because that's just me but feel as long as our main items are taken care of we will be fine.

We have each other and that's all that matters because some don't even have that......

~Peace & Blessings~

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Jupiter Love.......

So yesterday my dress attire was as follows.......  ---->

Knee high heel black boots
Black fishnet tights (hard to see here)
Black pencil skirt
Red short sleeve turtleneck (fitting)

Now......going back to yesterdays post, when S walked in office initially I was like here we go again not prepared to hear anything that rolled off his tongue.  But after our extensive talk I finally rised from the desk in which he saw what he saw and I therefor saw this look of "If only her office was secluded........" smh.  He had asked if I would come over so we could finish talking, at that point he had asked me about my birthday, asking about going on a date for the 21st (In which still in my attitude I told him to send me a calendar invite so I know it's real :-/  ), and then onto my budget - what I should do to help me get back on track and caught up with things, etc., I was like wow.....like why is he so concerned with where my finances are? How I'm getting along?  Anyway, at this point he reinterates this visit again and brings up Batman.   Of COURSE I want to see Batman, I love Batman, but I also know us....so immediately I tell myself under NO circumstances do the boots, hell even scarf come off because I will fail my Leprechaun duty.

Well................................yea..............................................it went down.  Now we've had angry, tearing clothes off, pulling hair, scratching (my nails), and recently biting (I bit a hole in his lip couple weeks ago smh) sex before, but this............................................this was different.  Felt so emotional - so caught up on another level - and even while starting I was pushing him away - and then they started.........the tears (how embarrassing :-(  ) But tears begin to well up, and he just looked me in my eyes mid-stroke and was like I'm sorry, I'm sorry for hurting you, all the bull sh*t, I love you, I really do love you, and I just muttled that I didn't want to fight anymore.  He just was like "I'll behave".  Now.........as emotional and caught up and good that peen felt in the back of my mind I was saying shut up.  And then he said what I was thinking lol
But all jokes aside, the only thing that will tell me he's ready is his actions.  He was right, the first time I stepped out I did cry.....I felt guilty.....I showered and asked the guy to leave.  And he was right, it occured more than once but the difference was I always had him in my head which resulted in wishing I had just went running and had a V8.  He on the other hand, he said he dealt with one of the girls for 4 months!  Something kept him seeing her and then ultimately ending things.  I don't know......don't know about the flood of emotions that occured.  I've felt it before but never the tears.  If he did it now what will stop him later?  Can he be faithful?  In his head since we're not "traditional" (whatever) is that how he see's and rationalize things?  I wanted to press exactly what "I'll behave" meant but felt like it was an understood moment........then said hell nah I need clarfication because as a young child was taught "when you assume you make an arse of yourself".  He started with the communication part, answering.....then just said "behave".

Life........one day at a time.

~Peace & Blessings~

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

So let me get this straight.....

So S goes pretty much all day yesterday and not speak a word to me.  I go off on a relitively small tengent text trip.  Not really snapping but first I call to ask if he's eating (because I'm caring like that).....then I just let it flow........

This blog was gonna be about how I went off on the way home, no response, yet got alarming calls between 1 and 2 am this morning, along with a text assuming I was with someone.  Please refer to the wonderful photos that I've attached to the right -->

My blog has now changed because an event has just taken place....... This ninja just showed up at my office.  It never fails..... He piss me off, I cry, get angry, ignore, he shows up, apologize, long talk, repeat.  Vicious Cycle.  This time though the talk was a little different.  Our last conversation he decided to spill, asking me questions here and there but me never admitting to SH*T.  I didn't want to hurt him like that or admit that I had stepped out (not really stepping out since we're not "traditionally together") and he view me differently.  But today...............................................................................................................today was a different me.  He asked me about one I became him, "Why are you asking about him?  Where are all these questions coming from?"  lol  He was like your face says it all and this look came over him like.......hurt.....disgusted......and for a tiny milli second I did feel bad......and then I thought of all the bull sh*t he's put me through, the nights I cried, calling and he saying he was sleep, studying, the ignoring, and then I felt..............................................................................nothing.

You see I've loved him so much, nothing I wouldn't do for him, feed, help with bills, hell I need help myself, but as I mentioned in previous post just was being me and holding the one I cared for "down".  He was like I can't believe we're having a conversation like this, I agreed but was like can be any worst than what has happened so now what?

I told him I was ready to retire......tired of working for his love......he replied he's ready to act right, but if I'm ready to retire he's not gonna start and we both laughed.  I thought he was playing like whatever *cough* bull sh*t, but he was really waiting for me to answer.  I basically told him that I would follow his lead.  He started asking my age again?  And I once was upset that he didn't know how to spell my name correctly or know my birthday but I realized he knew more of the emotional side, the deep stuff that I've been through and when we talk knows me.  He calls the other stuff elementary stuff that comes with time.  It's been over a year........how long do men actually take to have the light bulb moment???

I had my entire layout of my blog ready to go when he walked in but now I'm like now what..........??

~Peace & Blessings~


PS....Sorry can't get pics to show - will keep trying.....

Monday, December 10, 2012

God's sense of humor......

It never fails.....every time I say I'm done with dating, I give, that I don't want to meet anyone new....someone new comes along.... 

On Friday S came to my office, said he wanted to apologize for the way he acted and knew he needed to before I blocked him for good.  That he was out of line and never should have taken his frustration out on me.  He then stated that he's told me time and time again that for serious/emotional talks he wants to have them face-to-face....I then reminded him how I wasn't the one that pushed the talk, he did.  He said he was also sorry for the communication and how we don't talk but then turned around and went silent again......  I realized that I'm so focused on wanting his actions to align with what comes out of his mouth yet I don't do it myself.  I say I want consistency, a commitment, yet I continue to open my legs for the feel of the moment.  We both have admitted that the sex is on point....NO problems there whatsoever.....but I say I want him to communicate more and not be so comfortable with how we are yet I continue to allow the behavior...answering and being there when he does decide to call. I want my man to miss me....I don't want him to be able to go a day without talking to me 'cause he just knows my every move and knows I'm not doing anything :-(  Every weekend I experience some silence, text here and there, and then when the workday starts I get a Good Morning text or some type of call....resulting in him needing something.  I've tried not answering/responding, when he pissed me off I called Sprint and had him blocked, but then he shows up at my job apologizing for temper, behavior, whatever has happened and I fall back in trap it seems.  Now I'm not saying my temper is the best but I truly believe my emotions are the way they are because of what I'm dealing with.  I'm tired......like really tired.  I was trying to be that "down - she's been here for me through all my ups, downs, bull sh*t" woman but believe I'm at the end of my rope....but it's not working.

So back to the first sentence.... I spoke about God's humor to say out of no where I had 2 ex flings call me, one being very adamant about a future with me which lead to a confusing argument.  I told him that he didn't know what I had going on in my life, married, pregnant, etc., yet something in his life compelled him to call me after so many years and want to pick up where we left off *inserts Katt Williams wth face*.
The other which is N....who is walking across the stage for graduation this coming Saturday....and then I mentioned God's sense of humor because while I really wasn't in the mood to attend church yesterday I pushed and came out with a lunch date smh......lol

I have a list that I've given to God regarding the type of men I do NOT want, it is as follows;
-Pastor's
-Minister's
-Rapper's
-Athlete's
Yet over lunch I find out that the gentlemen is an ordained Minister.............I just shook my head.  I'm learning not to tell God what I want but I'm really not trying to be a Minister's / Pastor's Wife.  That's a big load to take on.

*sighs* I say I'm done, just maybe want to raise my children, get my Passport and travel and then someone new comes along or someone from past.  But think I'm really gonna take the next 6 months to work on me.  I came across a Vlog "How to break Sexual Soul Ties", by Quentin McCall....was very enlightening.  Foundation for why we keep going back to each other... Why through all the BS I continue down this path.... The hurt....disrespect....as if I don't deserve more.  I think I spoke on it before but a student asked me how I think my husband would feel with the choices I've had in men..... talk about an eye opener.  Yet here I am still trying to hold on, putting time in, for an outcome that may never be what I want.

~Peace & Blessings~

Thursday, December 6, 2012

I'm not the enemy......

S and I got into a huge argument last night.....but it wasn't so much the stupidity behind the argument, it was the fact that he called me out my name in his frustration.  I called because the night before I had a thought that maybe we don't talk much because 1. He's stated that he has gotten comfortable & 2. That maybe we don't have anything in common scared to say..... He replied that I was thinking too much.  What would I like him to do?  I stated to just call and see how my day is, how are things, etc.  He stated that he knows where I am, I don't do much to put myself in harms way, and basically why it makes no difference that he can go a day or two without talking to me.  My mouth dropped..... am I boring?  Am I that much on a schedule and routine? 

Anyway, he's been stressed out with school, work, and was having some very negative thoughts on yesterday in which he shared with me afterwards.  Being the good woman that I am I encouraged him, and just started speaking positive things to him.  I've been there WITH 2 KIDS, trying to finish school, income low, and I'd like to think my stress has been at an all time high for most of the latter part of my life being a widow.  But I felt as if his frustration and anger  was then turned on me as if I were the enemy.  My late husband never raised his voice to me, never cursed me out, never called me out my name.  I wasn't raised in a yelling home, the most yelling I've experienced is when I entered the Army and had Drill Sargent's in my face.  The fact that he can go a day or two and not be worried about me because "you don't do anything....." hurt.  Men are always approaching and trying to talk to me.  Call/Text everyday to see how I'm doing, how my day was, just showing care.  I want that from my mate......from someone who states to care about me so much.  I'm hurt, I'm upset, I'm tired, I'm confused, how can the man that states he loves me so much divert so much anger my way.

I'm not the enemy.......

Monday, December 3, 2012

Holistic Change.....

So I've decided to go "Natural".  My outlook on the "Natural" move though does not only apply to my hair.  I've always eaten a lot of baked foods and am very consistent with what I eat daily.  I can have the same Turkey sandwich for lunch, same Oatmeal for breakfast, same snack, etc.  But recently I've been eating more Clean foods thanks to E-meals, a program developed by Dave Ramsey (Financial Guru).  I have given up on coffee (please keep me in prayer because I am a Starbucks JUNKIE), and have been having green tea every morning and some other type before retiring to bed.  I've also been keeping my home cleaner.  Now I'm not saying I'm just dirty, clothes everywhere, toothpaste, etc.  I keep my car cleaned, bathroom, etc.  But I don't go back and dust or just give that fresh wipe down as I believe I should.  Also, I had been wearing braids for almost 3 months and finally took them down.  I had decided to try "Two Strand Twist".  My goal is to go through 2013 without any chemicals and possibly heat.......but we'll see about the later.  Anywhoo - while washing/deep conditioning my hair I begin to fold 3 loads of clothes that have been just sitting, cleaned bathroom, rearranged my sink area adding some candles, and just trying to declutter.....yea that's it - I have clutter issues smh.  I can straighten up a pile of junk and make it look really nice lol  Hey.....  But I'm trying to do better with that.  I have papers, folders, just junk that I need to toss without even looking at.  The most important paperwork I already have filed away and looking through the pile will only lead me to some crazy thought that it needs to be kept again so NOPE - TRASH.  I have a couch I've been trying to sell on Craig's List and have had no luck with that either.  It is taking up space in my dining area and I just want it out so will be calling around to see what places I can donate to that also will pick it up because my goal is to have it out before the New Year.

Dating - So how often should one talk to the person they are seeing?  I love talking on the phone but also love texting.  Are you able to go a day without talking to the one you're involved with?  Maybe I am too clingy....?  But I don't think a phone call a day is asking too much. S and I usually text back and forth during Football Sunday but yesterday he was pretty busy.  I again got upset with him the night before, jealous of him attending yet another party while I sat at home and realized that I NEED TO GET OUT MORE!
During the summer my children go to California with their family for the entire summer and this year I actually was out EVERY weekend.  Told myself that I would make a date with myself every month and failed tremendously so guess I will add that to my "Holistic Journey" as I make these changes for a better me.

~Peace & Blessings~