Blooming......

Goodness.......did not realize I hadn't written or did an update since February! 
That only means that I've been LIVING!  *huge smiles*

I have a new plant, actually two new plants as of today :-) 

So on with the updates.........

1. Daniel Fast  - Completed 01/2013

2. "The Purpose Driven Life" - Still needing to get caught up!

3. Date Night / Girls Night Out Monthly - Poetry Night (Jan.) Superbowl Party (Feb.) House Party (tonight :-) Night Out with co-worker (March)

4. Dating with no attachments - I haven't had a date this year yet.......and I'm absolutely fine with that......for right now.  This changes so I need to find balance and really be ok with it.

5. Abstinence - Didn't do well with Lent......and was actually doing good until night out :-/  Back to one day at a time......

6. PhD Program - Took the GRE AND turned in application for Juvenile Justice.  I'm also looking to apply to the Higher Ed. program as well.  Now the wait...... :-)

7. 52 Week Money  Challenge - I am catching up this month!
8. NO Chemicals or Heat on hair for at least the next 6 months - Braids are out!  Now have weave in place for protective styling until end of May
9. I will commit to Yoga daily - Hit and miss some days but for the most past have been getting in weekly
10. Cancun or Miami in June (Girlfriends Bday) - First & second payment made for Cancun!!  Also, was worried about the flight purchase but a friend has got me a Buddy Pass :-)  So far all is still a go!
11. Myrtle Beach in August (First Family Reunion) - Still not many responses from family so this may be a no go :-(
12. California in December! - Still in the making......

13. Church Participation (Choir, Youth, etc.) - Need to do better!

14. CASA Appointment - Completed Feb. 11th, 2013!!

15. Obtain a Passport - Accomplished! Mar. 9th, 2013
16. No Overdraft fee's for the year - Bombed - Rough first couple months.....but hopefully no more starting with March.

17. More toning with weights - Just getting over the Flu and hoping to get back on it this week. 
18. Six Flags Fiesta Texas / Daughter's bday - Decided to not do.  Started Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University and just decided to put that money towards all bills being caught up.  She's getting her hair done instead :-)
19. Mosaic Women's Course - I did decide to let this go for now. I may revisit later in the year.

20. Monthly FunDay with kids - Missed Jan. but tomorrow taking them to the Jam Session for All Star!! - So they didn't want to attend All Star with me - Darius's life has become consumed with skateboarding and Allana just didn't want to go :-(  Will think of some other fun things......

21. Take more baths than showers - Need to do better........

22. Blog about every single one of these items - Can't believed I missed the entire month of March but will do better.....

23. Delta Sigma Theta Centennial Celebration - Not happening

Some things I am adding is 24. Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University - I had been wanting to complete this class for a while now and happy to report that tomorrow night is my last class!  Nine weeks of budgeting and different ways of becoming ruler over my finances :-)

This past month has had some ups and downs as usual.  But, I am happy that I'm still moving forward.  In watching an episode of Oprah's Life Class, Iyanla talked about guilt and how it does nothing but consume us.  I felt very guilty allowing 'him' into my space again.....but Iyanla stated that instead of being overcome by the guilt. it's ok to feel convicted, realize what was done wrong, and then continue moving forward.  I felt like that guilt took over and then I ultimately ended up sick last week.  I'm feeling much better, still stuffy and congested, but just taking one day at a time with moving forward.    ~Peace & Blessings~    

Awakening......

So I paid $30 to a therapist on yesterday for her to tell me to Fast...........lol  The fact that I can even laugh now is awesome but I took her advice because I knew she was right.

My awakening freaked me out......the sexual abuse as a child, finding safe love with my grandmother to then be abused again in high school, finding safe love in my husband to only have him die, God took him away........ I now see how I've masked that hurt all these years, overcompensating and just going on with life yet angry inside.  I can now see how I never liked "nice" men......"real men".  It's ok to pause and grieve, heal, and then move on.  Too often things happen in our lives and we just keep trucking along..........it's ok to stop and heal.......but don't get stuck.  I honestly feel like I've been asleep for the past 10 years.  Like my life has been a blur.  You hear of people waking up from coma's and starting life over and that's how I honestly feel.  I can now really begin to heal, live and love, love me.  I've been running too long.  I've ran to College, then to Career, been running to church, self-help books, BLOGS, and it's time to stop running.

I talked to my manager and just thanked her because without her knowing she would see the anger on different days.  In all my years of working no one has ever said anything to me about it.  She then begin to let me in on some of her childhood and upbringing.  It's amazes me the number of people that walk around and interact wrecking havoc on others lives that are simply............broken.

Last night I stared at my plant and for the first time this morning I actually cared about it....... I watered it, looked at the leaves, and then found a nice place to sit it for sunlight.  I think I'm gonna be fine.  All the "you're better than that, get out and enjoy life, you're beautiful"..........I'm starting to see it, embrace it.  I do know one thing, as freaked out as I was seeing myself as if for the first time............I hope it never happens again lol

I allowed a man to drive me crazy........literally..........never again.

~Peace & Blessings~

Falling.......

So yesterday I believe I had my very first nervous breakdown.........FREAKED OUT!  I had spoke with my sister the night before and with one simple question Pandora's box was opened. 

She had asked me why I didn't call my niece for her birthday.  My thoughts said because I don't care but my mouth said because I didn't grow up like that (we grew up in different households and wasn't a big thing).  My one thought led me to why do I feel that way about my family?  How do I "say" that I love them and miss them yet could care less about their lives or seeing them?  That doesn't add up........ While sitting in the parking lot of Kroger it hit me.  The way I felt about my family and loved ones were the exact words S had been telling me.  I remember a conversation that we had in which he said these very words to me, "I don't care about a lot of things that other people do care about.......don't know why I just don't. I love you but I can't show you love the way you want me to".  It hit me, what he does to me is exactly how I treat others.  I say I miss my family and wish I had some close yet can go months/years without talking to them and could care less what is going on in their life.  Why? Why do I stay away yet claim to miss so?  This led me to do further research.  Of course at this moment I'm now wondering am I Narcissistic........but the more I read I then found out I'm indeed Borderline...............  Most men are Narcissistic and are attracted to women who are Borderline.  I have drawn attraction from men for a very long time, charming, can appeal to any man, it's in my nature. I gravitate to broken men.....I fix broken men.  I realized today why when I meet a safe guy I'm turned off, safe terrifies me.  My husband was safe - I gave him hell - and then God took  him away from me.  I freaked because the enemy that I saw in S I now saw in myself.  This was never about him.....readings say that most Narcissistic Men will never realize themselves, some grow out of it and some don't but takes a hit like I experienced to see it.  I freaked because it felt like a curtain had come up on my life and I no longer knew the woman I thought I was.  In reading it says the condition stems from the mother for both boys and girls at a young age.  Attention that is missed as a child is now thrived on and pretty pictures or painted for the world to see.  This blog probably outlines more of my life than any person I actually speak to.....some of the things here would taint me.

I got my plant because I thought it would help me heal from him but I now realize my plant will help me heal from me....... I know how my condition started.  My mother's mental illness didn't allow her to give the attention I needed as a child, her supportive side was missing because she suffered with her own issues.  She now does better now that she understands herself but in talking to her on yesterday I think she will now see the extent of how it has effected her 6 children.

I feel drained.  I woke with another revelation in regards to how I've treated my manager, to only be remorseful the next day, and also how I've treated my kids, now terrified of them going thru the same once they become adults.  It was said that in today's society Narcissism is heightened......we all want things now and feel entitlement.  Social Sites help us paint pretty pictures of ourselves when we are hell on wheels.  I was a late bloomer with watching Scandal, no cable and just had never came across it.  I remember the first time watching it and being hooked lol  A friend said that I was driven like Olivia........but then another friend came back and said I was just like Olivia.  I'm a fixer.  I'm drawn to men that need fixing.  Of course I didn't see it that way, just felt the attractions. I always equated me moving on because I can just leave men like that but it's not actually the case.  Ex. I have a friend that I was so attached to.  We talked on yesterday and I asked him if he realized that when he was going thru hell with his job, yet didn't want me I was so engulfed with him.......then a couple of years later he took me to dinner and professed wanting to date and how things had changed in his life.  I was no longer attracted to him, stopped answering his calls and communicating - cut off.  He didn't need fixing and the thought of him actually being right to love me now terrified me.

I feel like I was praying and asking God to show me, show me, show me!  And in the parking lot of Kroger he lifted the curtains so I could see it all.......... We couldn't leave each other because our controlling personalities attract each other and thrive off the chaos that we cause. My control comes from seduction, which a lot of times I don't even know I'm doing (Men: I love your voice, your walk, something about you........they're right - something about me).

I'm still gonna work with my plant.  I had planted my seeds but my friend bought me an actual plant.  He said that if I neglect it the plant will show much faster. Everyone says it's such a beautiful plant, like when they say I'm a beautiful person...... I don't see it, it's just a plant, but I guess that's the point. Can I grow to love and take care of this plant like I think I love and take care of these men?

This link explains what I've been going thru since my husband passed (maybe even before) and my exact life this past year and trying to change........ http://gettinbetter.com/dance.html

~Peace & Blessings~

Narcissism - Love doesn't feel like this........

If you've been following my Blogs then you know my long battling relationship with S has been so rocky.  Well after my "I'm not going back / not putting myself through this anymore" crusade at the beginning of the year I found myself once again caught in the spiders web.......

We have been going through this for over a year now and I could not understand the why....... I got the "You deserve better", "It's him not you", "You need to leave him alone" speeches.  I got all of that but what I couldn't understand was why it was so hard for me to do exactly that - break away.  Well we had a final blow up last Friday.  I had just been with him on Tuesday, he was visiting me daily, but by Friday he was done with me.  I had embarrassed myself thinking he was messing around with a young lady and confronted them in which she wholeheartedly denied and was actually the girlfriend to his friend.  I did not feel bad, this is the monster that has been created after so many lies and deceit and yes cheating.  I would later find out that I wasn't too off for by going to his home I did find and see there was actually someone else.  While standing in the driveway the many that was so in love with me begin to tell me that he called the cops on me and that I was to leave his property.  See he was making it seem like I had embarrassed him early and was done with me and my trust issues when in actuality the young lady was in the house and he needed me gone so that she didn't see me.  As I stood there dumbfounded and so heartbroken trying to understand I then saw the young lady dart to her car.  S then walked past me, caught up to the unsuspecting young lady (who seemed to be trying to pull off), and left me standing there in my sorrow.

I married young, was married before I graduated high school.  I NEVER experienced an infidelity issue with my husband.  Never felt he ever lied to me.  He never raised his voice to me and when we would get into arguments he would simply dismiss himself until we calmed down.  This year makes 10 years that my husband has passed.  I've had heartache, definitely experienced all those things after he past, but what I hadn't experienced was an emotional roller coaster such as this.  One minute deeply in love with me and the next such cold eyes as if I don't exist.  I hadn't experienced breaking away time and time again to only break down and start the cycle again.  Well after this occurrence I decided to talk to one of my big sisters and explain what I had been dealing with for the past year and half.  I explained to her how when I first met him he was my "savior".  I had just been in a car accident and the company was not calling me back, paying, etc.  He swooped in and saved the day. From there was adamant about meeting my children, would cook us dinner, all this talk about spending the rest of his life with me, etc.  Now I figured ok......it's been over a month, could this actually be happening to me.....someone loves me finally.................................................oh boy how wrong I was.

Within a couple months I noticed first the calls would decrease.  The only time I would hear from him was when he needed something.  Any other time our communication was always through texts.  He would tell me things he would do and never follow through, would tell my children things and never keep commitments.  Then right before Christmas is when the emotional abuse begin.  He went from me being the love of his life to cursing and yelling at me.  I had never experienced this growing up and made excuses that this is just how he was raised.  We are raised differently right?  Some parents argue and curse their kids, some don't, right?  Sure enough around New Year I got the "I'm sorry for how I treated you, I was so wrong but I know it's too late.  Can't take back what the things I"ve said".  Awwww he realizes the woman he had and now see's he was wrong!  Awesome - WRONG!  This would continue to occur each time I would let go.  The excuses to come back became more serious.  Next would be his grandfather being diagnosed with cancer, next would be him dying, sometimes something with school, just was always something different, and while there were some truth to the madness it was all used to draw me back into the web.

As I told this story to my sister I could hear her laugh and I was like why are you laughing??  She begin to tell me that she wasn't laughing at me but that in listening to me she felt like she was listening to herself repeat what she had gone through earlier.  She then asked me one simple questions, "How's his relationship with his mother?".  I then laughed because I had found out over time that S's relationship with his biological mother was not a good one at all.  His mother did not want him (so goes the story) and his father and step-mother raised him.  I could tell when he spoke that the woman he actually refereed to as his mom was his step-mother.......he referred to his mother by her real name or nothing at all......but then also had some resentment with his step-mother in feeling like she treated him differently than his younger sisters she had with his dad.  "He sounds like he's Narcissistic", she then replied.  Narciss what?????  I had NEVER even heard of the word.  I then faintly remember Khole on the Kardashian Show calling Kourtney's boyfriend a Narcissist and Sociopathic lier.  I never even looked the word up.  She then told me to look it up and in the dictionary it read "Excessive love or admiration of oneself".  Didn't sound that harmful to me but when I repeated this to her she said "No, you need to look deeper. Google Narcissistic Men and Relationships", and O............M............G............. *tears*

My tears that I had been shedding all night, most of the day went from being from so much pain to joy that I now know...............................................................it was never me.  I then too felt like my life was being read to me by people I had never met all over the Internet.  My characteristic and the woman I am never had a chance with him.  I then had to be careful to not feel so bad for him that I became compelled to "love him more".....that's what I had been doing - making excused for his behavior yet deciding to still "hold him down", love him unconditionally.  In different readings it stated that the men (and women because can be both) lack empathy (hence why when sick there was no call to check on me, do you need soup, meds) but I remember him calling because he needed something.....when things were good and then quickly changed and I questioned he would twist my words so that to by the end of the conversation I felt like sh*t and was wanting to apologize to him...........................the lying..........the coldness..........and then 2 days later the love again.  Just a terrible vicious cycle.  I then began to question did he ever really love me and in readings finally accepted that he loved me to the best of his capabilities.

I was then able to forgive him and give closure to myself that I had been seeking when left standing in the driveway on Friday.  I then could look up ways for healing myself.  You see I understand he had this condition but had to realize and understand my conditions for allowing it to continue.  I realize I am a woman that loves hard, I forgive, and am very giving - it's how I'm wired - but it's also my downfall and what predator's are drawn to. I have to fix me, begin to love me more so that I'm able to move on and know the warning signs for when I decide to get back out there and date.  In reading a blog "The Narcissistic Continuum" the writer compared dating to a three step process:

1. Get a plant - take care of for 6 months 2. Get a dog - take care of for 6 months  3. Get a Partner.

I also took away some valuable information in how to proceed once I do begin to date again Dr. Martha Stout, author of "The Sociopath Next Door"......

 

I love him.........no doubt about it..........but I accept that I will have to love him from afar.  I now have two new goals for my list this year....and a lot of time to make up for the depression and time missed with my children.

It is my prayer that this blog helps someone out there like the one that has helped me......
                                     
#Healing  and  #BecomingMyOwnBestFriend

I would like to add that my weekend actually ended on a good note.......no I didn't make any of the All Star games do to being so depressed initially but on Sunday I did get out with my girlfriends to a Day Party and had a blast! **I'm the one in the grey/blackish dress ;-) **

~Peace & Blessings~

Updates........

This is an update from my New Years Blog and Goals that I would like to accomplish for 2013........  Still having some challenges when it comes to S............*hangs head*

Below is a list of things I would like to accomplish throughout the year.......

1. Daniel Fast  - Completed 01/2013
2. "The Purpose Driven Life" - Still needing to get caught up!
3. Date Night / Girls Night Out Monthly - Poetry Night (Jan.) Superbowl Party (Feb.) House Party (tonight :-)
4. Dating with no attachments - So tried to step out of the box and give my number to a gentlemen I met........smh.......He hit me the very next day but conversation went south when he referred to me as a "Sweet Tendoroni" and then when I asked if he were involved he stated that I would be his next "Boo"............................................................................................ 39 yrs old :-/
*sighs*
5. Abstinence - Failed the 6 months......but have decided to start with Lent (40 days) and go from there.
6. PhD Program - Application is complete!  Now awaiting for funds to take the GRE Exam.
7. 52 Week Money  Challenge - Had to let this go for first couple months being behind already but will be caught up in the month of March :-) 
8. NO Chemicals or Heat on hair for at least the next 6 months - Braids are still in. Taking down between now and end of month and then will have more pictures so that I'm able to create Post for Hair :-)
9. I will commit to Yoga daily - Hit and miss some days but for the most past have been getting in weekly
10. Cancun or Miami in June (Girlfriends Bday) - First payment due March 1st!
11. Myrtle Beach in August (First Family Reunion) - Family isn't responding as we would like so...........will see........
12. California in December! - Still in the making......

13. Church Participation (Choir, Youth, etc.) - Need to do better!

14. CASA Appointment - Completed Feb. 11th, 2013!!

15. Obtain a Passport - Awaiting Tax Refund to accomplish

16. No Overdraft fee's for the year - Bombed - Rough first couple months.....but hopefully no more starting with March.

17. More toning with weights - Awesome!!!  Picture ---->

18. Six Flags Fiesta Texas / Daughter's bday - Awaiting Tax Refund

19. Mosaic Women's Course - I did decide to let this go for now. May revisit later in the year.

20. Monthly FunDay with kids - Missed Jan. but tomorrow taking them to the Jam Session for All Star!!

21. Take more baths than showers - Need to do better........

22. Blog about every single one of these items - Coming along..........

23. Delta Sigma Theta Centennial Celebration - Still up in the air........

Well there it is.........upset that I've allowed myself to carry something (someone) over into the New Year that I said I wouldn't so praying that can break the bad habit - SOON.

~Peace & Blessings~

How about them Ravens......

So I had a blast this weekend!!!  Friday of course was in the bed early - had my final CASA Training Class Saturday and already have my first case!  Saturday I headed to the basketball game in which I had a wonderful time with my Soror's and then Sunday was the most exciting - my first Super Bowl Party!!  The party was out at this Lakefront property, was just happy to be out enjoying myself......  I exchanged numbers with someone new and even talked of dating someone old.  S was at the game, we took a really nice picture together......looked so happy.....but I had talked about seeing him twice in which he was too busy and reminded me of how unhappy I am.  He made the comment that we should put the picture on our fireplace...................................................................................why oh why does he continue to make comments like that yet say he's not ready for a relationship??

Anyway, something old is really sweet, we'll call him G.....but I just want to take things really slow.  We've been friends for quite some time now and we all know that once that line is crossed there's no turning back.  L will be here in a couple weeks for All Star!!!  Sooooo looking forward to that fun as well..........................

In other news: I've gotten my paperwork (application) together for the PhD Program *nervous*.  I still have to take the GRE and pay the $50 for the app fee.  IRS is not processing refunds of those with Education Credits until Mid February, meaning I can expect my refund sometime early March :-/  Praying that it all works out because application is due March 1.

I hope you had a wonderful time this weekend.  The game was hilarious when the lights went out lol but I really enjoyed Beyonce's performance :-)  Not a Bey Bee but she and the other members did their thing! 

#Motivation

~Peace & Blessings~

It's the Weekend!

So a little update with my goals below.....thinking I'll start copying and pasting the list when I get one knocked off or to list updates...... Here we go....

1. Daniel Fast (1/24/13) - Finished on yesterday. Towards the last week I fell off.  Kept the sweets and alcohol away (minus bday), and even the bread, but when I got down to the meat it got a little tough :-(

2. Reading "The Purpose Driven Life" - Have fallen off by a couple days but still on it!
3. I commit to at least one date night or Girls Night Out Monthly - Next night out will be Feb. 2nd when I attend the TSU Vs. PV Basketball Game ;-)  I printed out some calendars from Outlook and basically have something to attend every month!
4. This year I will date without any attachments - Haven't been on a date yet but so far so good.

5. Celibacy Abstinence - No comment smh *giggles*sighs*

6. Begin PhD Program, or at least the Research pre-requisite class - Still working on
7.52 Week Money  Challenge - Had to dip for gas but will put back with pay next month.

8. NO Chemicals or Heat on hair for at least the next 6 months - Braided up!

9. I will commit to Yoga daily - On it!
10. Cancun or Miami in June (Girlfriends Bday) - Decided to stick with Cancun and have been searching flights ;-)
11. Myrtle Beach in August (First Family Reunion) - Hotel and dates finalized, purchasing next month.
12. California in December! - Will revisit towards the summer months

13. Church Participation - Have been fulfilling #19 so think will merge the two.

14. CASA Appointment - Two more classes and Sworn in on Feb. 11th!!
15. Obtain a Passport - Hoping to have by March

16. No Overdraft fee's for the year - Unfortunately I was unable to keep this goal......towards the end of the month it is pretty rough and needed gas to get back and forth to work *sighs*
17. I would like to workout more with weights as to tone my body - Found awesome video's with Tone It Up Blog that helps me stay on this!  Now doing 2-a-days :-)
18. Six Flags Fiesta Texas for my daughters bday - Have priced all expenses and it's a go!
19. Complete a Mosaic Women's Course at our church - So far so good.....15 more weeks in completion should be in May.

20. Have a least one fun day with my children Monthly - My son has been gone every weekend this month!  He likes to skateboard and be with his friends......but my daughter and I have had some nice outings at the Mall and even took some pics in the little Photo Booth *huge smiles*
21. Take more baths than showers - Need to stick to Wed. / Thurs. for starters but have taken one or two so far this year.....
22. Blog about every single one of these items (hopefully attaching some pics here and there).....helping me to Blog more :-) - I think I've been doing pretty good with this.  I don't have Internet at home so I don't Blog as much on the weekend.
23. Delta Sigma Theta Centennial Celebration - This is still up in the air......we'll see.

So there's my update.  Maybe I'll update the last Friday of every month :-)

Also, I've finally changed my name on Social Sites and even added a new Profile Pic *below* ;-)

Have an awesome weekend!!!

~Peace & Blessings~

Happiness......

Crazy but that's the overwhelming feeling I'm having right now.  Nothing has occurred but on my ride home yesterday I just reminded myself of my word for the year......responsibility......and the responsibility I have for my happiness :-)

I got a call from a Line Sister that I hadn't talked to in years.  We had a big falling out, she was young and has grown so much, and basically called to apologize for the way she handled things......was really nice to hear from her!  She said she had to grow up, was very conservative, had been with the same boyfriend since high school, just a lot of things she didn't know but that she now understands me lol  We fell off from something that at the time I felt was very foolish but our perspectives were just different.  Either way it doesn't matter - I'm just so happy to finally be in touch with my sister again :-)  She taught me how to wear eye shadow at 26/27 lol

Let's see......my best friend L is coming to town!  He's working the All Star Game and got me tickets to attend!!!  He even mentioned a date, which would be really nice since it's been some months since I've been on one, but I'll be happy just enjoying the game and any time we get to spend around each other :-)  Hadn't realized that the games are the same week as Valentine's Day........

Moving on.....looked up the pricing for my daughter's 15th Bday *sighs* (Still can't believe how time has gone by.......)  Have decided to take them during the Spring Break that they are off so that we can make it a Weekend Trip :-)

School Loans......so thankful got good ol' Sallie Mae to review my income and praying for a reduction in the amount that my payments will be. 

CASA Training - 3 more classes!

Fun - Basketball Game at TSU on Feb. 2nd........yea that's gonna be fun - I feel it lol

My co-worker and I have been busting our butts on a new Summer Internship Program and so happy to finally announce that our proposal was approved and now moving up to the VP!!

Yea........moments like these help me to remember - I got things to do, places to see and fun to have!!!

New favorite song "Lose To Win" LOVE!!!

~Peace & Blessings~

Just let me go.......

So once again S and I have had this same, drawn out conversation.  I finally just asked him "What do you want from me?".  He made his way to DC for the Inauguration of our great President Obama's 2nd term, yet couldn't make his way to my Birthday Dinner......excuse given was because of money.  While I understand this, money was not needed.... and his presence was all that I longed for.  He had some excuse for not seeing me before he left and then didn't leave when he said he was.  I hadn't heard from him (minus small text here and there) and then wanted to talk on Monday.  I asked him why?  You can go a day or two without talking to me why do you want to talk now?  Why do you want to ask what my short-term goals are?  Why won't you just let me go!?!!??  I didn't mean to snap but it's like we have these little breaks, I focus my mind on other things, get him out of my system, and then he comes back.  To lay down with him and then have to constantly remind myself that it's nothing more than awesome deep passionate sex is a lot.  His response was "To love me".  I love him.......but loving him hurts.  A couple of weeks ago I finally listened to the lyrics of a song sung by Lauryn Hill that I've often heard but never really "listened" to......."felt like I could've wrote the lyrics myself.  He's having a hard time letting me go so it's up to me to help him.  *Responsibility*

"It could all be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard.

Loving you is like a battle, and we both end up with scars.

Tell me who I have to be, to get some reciprocity.

See no one loves you more than me, and no one ever will.

Is this just a silly game that forces you to act this way….

Forces you to scream my name, and then pretend that you can’t stay. 

Tell me who I have to be, to get some reciprocity. 

See no one loves you more than me, and no one ever will.

No matter how I think we’ve grown you always seem to let me know, it ain’t working…..

And when I try to walk away you hurt yourself to make me stay, this is crazy.

I keep letting you back in, how can I explain myself.

As painful as this thing has been, I just can’t be with no one else.

See I know what we go to do, you let go and I’ll let go too. 

‘Cause no one’s hurt me more than you……..and no one’s ever will.

I've decided to stick with the Cancun Trip......will give me more motivation to get on my workouts and tone up ;-)  Also, thanks to my friend's constant reminder of me being a "good catch", I'm looking forward to getting out and being "caught" ;-)

OAN: I would like to add a Strip Tease Class to my goals for the year...................yep *giggles*

~Peace & Blessings~

BUSY!

So students returned this Monday and OMG SWAMPED!  Yesterday I was thinking I have seriously fell off with blogging soooooooooo *giggles* time for some updates :-) 

Life has been awesome!  I have been feeling sluggish in the mornings now.....partly weather - partly Aunt Dots visit (menstrual cycle) that is vastly approaching *ugh*.  But all in all doing well.  Food is low, trying to push through for the next week or so.  Have been purchasing things that can stretch a meal......may do spaghetti tonight.  Work is well just continually reminding myself to not become complacent again and allow another year to go by without being in PhD program!

Dating Life - Haven't been on any dates......don't really want to. S has been hitting me up, attempting to converse more but the constant reminders of pain keeps me at bay.  He came to visit me in the office, needing to use my phone.  He had it for quite some time and when I leaned over realized he was going through my messages and then pictures.  I went to grab for his phone and he wouldn't give me the password............something to hide......I don't have the patience and just asked that he not go through my phone.  He hasn't done this since we first started talking back in 2011. 

CASA - Have class tonight *ugh* but will be one step closer to finishing program *huge smiles*.

Discipleship Class (Mosaic Women) - Had first class Monday and went really well :-) 
18 Weeks..................................................................................................................................................

Fast - Fell off with Fast, started again, then fell off again *sighs*

Hair - I've had my braids in less than 2 weeks and I'm missing my hair already.  Been watching more YouTube Videos and all I want to do is wash / deep condition / and massage my scalp with sweet smelling stuff smh lol

Money Challenge - I decided for me that instead of doing the deposit/transfer weekly that it would be better to just add up the weeks for the month and then budget out.

Cancun Trip - I may just travel with another sis to Miami, cheaper, haven't seen her in a while.  Plus told myself that I'm not going out of the way with special trips for those that don't for me.  This is not towards the sis' that's going to Cancun but I have another sister (blood) that has traveled across the world every year and has only come to see me once.

So yea.....here are the updates thus far.  I'm tired, want to go to bed, but will push through :-/

~Peace & Blessings~

Happy New Year!!!

My oh my what a year and what a break!  Love working in Higher Ed *giggles*

Let's see where shall I start......have my song, "Tis' So Sweet", my scripture Matthew 26:41, and even a motto I would like to remember throughout the year (thanks to Tyrese), "Expect what you accept from people".  This past year was crazy!  Ups and downs, excitements and tears but I am truly grateful and thankful that I'm still not pushing daisy's.  I spent my break doing some much needed cleaning, physically and mentally.  Ended a relationship and hoping to build a better one with God, family and friends.  My last week of the year is always spent cleaning and developing a new list of goals I would like to accomplish sooooo today I'm gonna do something different.  Along with my list I've taken a word to focus on as well.  I mentioned the word in my last blog but the word again is Responsibility.  Responsibility for my actions and decisions, health, mental stability, etc.  Again this is MY Responsibility so will also remind myself that I can not control the actions of another, perceptions of me, or beliefs.  I'm excited about this year, as with any year, but his year marks the 10th Anniversary of my husband's passing and I'm just doing some things differently.  First on the list is a new phone number.....yep, after 10 years believe it's time.  Like my old car I believe I've been holding on to this number for longer than I should and it's time to let even the 916 go. 

Below is a list of things I would like to accomplish throughout the year.......

1. First on the list is the Daniel Fast.... My sister and her church Pilgrim Rest Baptist Church are doing this fast for the next 21 days and I would like to also join in.  Would like to cleanse my system one, and also for discipline of prayer and devotion.  My walk has dwindled with God and I would like to do better.
2. Along with the fast I'm reading "The Purpose Driven Life".  I've had this book for a couple years now and have never read past the 1st chapter.
3. I commit to at least one date night or Girls Night Out Monthly.
4. This year I will date without any attachments. Having fun for me will be to get out, enjoying meeting others, all while keeping my legs closed.
5. Celibacy Abstinence - Now I'm not even gonna lie, I've never made it past 4 months *hangs head* but I do know that I NEVER want to experience the hurt that I have this past year or so.......therefor the next man that gets a whiff of what's between my legs will be worth it, appreciate it, and take care of it.  I can't say how long.....would like until marriage or even a year, but will start with 6 months and see how that goes.
6. Begin PhD Program, or at least the Research pre-requisite class.
7. Save $500 monthly 52 Week Money  Challenge - With all my bills caught up this could be possible so will attempt to begin after tax time.
8. NO Chemicals or Heat on hair for at least the next 6 months.  I will start blogging about my hair journey shortly.  I wanted to create a new blog but we'll see......
9. I will commit to Yoga daily
10. Cancun or Miami in June (Girlfriends Bday)
11. Myrtle Beach in August (First Family Reunion)
12. California in December! (Haven't spent a Holiday with my parents in 9 years, not happening in 2013).
13. Church Participation (Choir, Youth, etc.)
14. CASA Appointment - I've been volunteering with a Juvenile Court here locally and would like to become a Certified Court Appointed Special Advocate for youth.
15. Obtain a Passport - For the above mentioned #10
16. No Overdraft fee's for the year.......
17. I would like to workout more with weights as to tone my body
18. Six Flags Fiesta Texas for my daughters bday
19. Complete a Mosaic Women's Course at our church....this may clash with CASA but only for a couple of weeks.
20. Have a least one fun day with my children Monthly.
21. Take more baths than showers....
22. Blog about every single one of these items (hopefully attaching some pics here and there).....helping me to Blog more :-)
23. Delta Sigma Theta Centennial Celebration

What I would like my blog to read at the end of 2013.......
2013 was the year…
I showed up as me...
I gave myself the gift of yoga several days a week.
I said “thank you” more.
I trusted the answers I heard within.
I said “no” when my gut told me to.
I created stronger boundaries.
I shared the truth more.
I spent more time breathing than reacting.
I stood tall in the beauty and the shit that is each day, that is living, and I stayed true to me.
I gave myself the gift of knowing I am enough and believing it.
I learned to enjoy me, alone.
I spent more time nurturing relationships with my family and friends than I spent online.
I continued to let go of the expectations of others.
I opened my heart to love in ways I never thought possible....

I don't necessarily find myself waiting for a new year to begin new things....for instance have cut a lot of meat out of my diet couple months ago and the last time I put a chemical in my hair was in June/July of 2012.  But, a New Year brings a different excite, clean slate, to began again.  Let go of past and leave it there, looking forward to new beginnings and events.  I plan to have more happy moments and peace this year in 2013!

~Peace & Blessings~

Responsibility.......

Christmas has come and gone and just in a short amount of time things have changed. This will be short as I am trying out this new Blogger App - but either way S and I ended things......like really ended things. It came down to him not being ready. Telling me you love me and your afraid to lose me yet you would like to meet other girls was not connecting for me. He ended up looking me in my eyes and telling me that he is not ready to step up to the plate.....and when he tells me he loves me and doesn't want to lose me he means that he knows he will continue to hurt me and would rather step aside now then the love I have turn into hate and I really dismiss him from my life. He is tired of hurting me, he does feel bad knowing I've cried / stressed and he knows why he calls me crazy. He jokes and calls me crazy but it's all behind him, and while he's now trying it feels as if I'm more focused on when the next phuck up will be instead of enjoying the moment. For the first time I had a man actually be honest with me and admit to just not being ready. My ex from almost 8 yrs ago just finally admitted this mess a couple days ago and he's older than me smh.

Bottom line it hurt ~ but I felt it was coming so I cried my tears and then of course got back to life. See I can't waddle.....life doesn't stop with pints of Ice Cream or Shopping Binges for me 1. I'm lactose intolerant and 2. Broke *giggles* but honestly I'm a mother and a strong woman so I pull my lace Vicky boy shorts up and keep moving.....hit my duck walk and let the pain slowly flow off my back.

2013 is in 4 days and I've been spending my time wisely ~ cleaning my home each room at a time, time with my children (when my son isn't with his boys), and just relaxing / enjoying my paid time off. I accomplished a lot this year 1. New Car 2. App complete for PhD program 3. First NBA Game 4. Did a little more for my self personally (Example: Am now hooked on Brazilian Wax's ha). I have completed my new list of goals and it has definitely grown. I've also added a word that I would like to focus on this year *RESPONSIBILITY* I vow to take responsibility for my love life, my happiness, my health, my mental stability, my time, my education, basically my overall well being. I procrastinate badly and will try to use my time more wisely.

Thanking God for another year of His blessings in advance......

~Peace & Blessings~

Dear John......

Knowing you has had it's ups and downs over the past year and half.....we've fought, laughed, cried (me of course) and while it hasn't always been the happiest of times we're still here....still friends....still loving each other, still having fun with each other.  But.....we both know that this isn't going to have the happy ending that I've been holding out for.  When we first met all you talked about was us....our future.....the kids....being in our lives....but somehow along the way that vision became blurry.  The vision no longer included me and our time was soon replaced.  Recently we've been talking more in depth just about us, what led to different behaviors and how different events took place.  You've been communicating more which I appreciate but I think we have two different meanings for "behave" and are still on different levels.  Behave to me meant that for all this time you've played around, lied, didn't appreciate or give us a chance, that you were gonna step up and do that, be the man I needed and you once spoke about.  You had said it the week after your birthday - how you knew that you hadn't been the man you knew you could be and be for me......and then things went sour shortly after.....and here we are again....  When you said behave you said it meant to communicate more with me, not lie, not sleep around, but then backed door with comment of wanting to entertain and meet new women still.  I'm sure meeting new women is what got us off before....... You say it isn't spending time but I feel any time you're on the phone talking or texting someone else that's time that could be spent talking or texting me. Anytime you're entertaining another woman whether it be movies, lunch, dinner, that's time that could be for us.  You go home to your mom and dad and can't pick up the phone to check on us, say hello, Happy Holidays, texting here and there, so I know I can't expect a call when you're out of town, yet you mentioned inviting girls up to "get to know".  I've spent the last year and a half trying to make that time for us, getting to know us better, but I'm tired of doing it alone.  I could be giving someone else that same opportunity to get to know me......my children......someone serious about giving us a chance.  You've changed up on me so many times from Homecoming last year to the minute after you crossed into your Fraternity this one.  I made excuses and tried to give space for school and now realized that wasn't the case.  I thought that being here no matter what would finally win me the Grand Prize, but while you say that I have you......I honestly don't feel that I do.  If I truly had you you wouldn't care to want to be around or entertain other women, for me to even hear you say that after saying how much you love me and didn't want to lose me was crazy......but it was truth.  If I truly had you I would be a part of your life in all aspects......not a piece.  That's what being afraid to lose my love looks like.

I love you, always will, but I think it's time for us to go our separate ways.  Please do not call, text sending sad faces or stop by my office.  As hurtful as it may sound we both just need to let this go.............

Goodbye John........

K.Q.

Note taken......

No date night....... So received the news I figured I would receive in regards to our planned date night.  Guess since I figured it would happen I was not totally shocked.  He said that his father needs help moving back to town and his father offered to help him with his lights in exchange.  Now I've heard him talk about his dad in past so wouldn't put that part past him but...........................................................................I'm like did you tell him this was important?  His reply was yes.......  I just was like ok.  Been working on my attitude and instead of harping on things anymore I already told myself that I would pay more attention to actions and that's what I'm doing.  I did have a silent moment though......communication is picking up, going into 2nd week now, so do I take the baby steps and be grateful until I reach my point or do I give in because I'm not getting what I want now?  I mean if I decide to let it go it's not like someone else is about to appear and nicely feel the void.  Christmas is next week......and sad and tired of spending the Holiday's alone without family nor companion.  Had to quickly check my emotions because I knew they would go from the date to the actual Holiday.  I could say I want him to spend Christmas with us.  I could ask why even if you visit your family first why can't you visit us afterwards?  But why........why do I need to ask any of that?  A person will be where they want to be.  I asked for my Birthday, I asked for Memorial Day weekend, I asked for his Birthday.........I'm not asking anymore.

Noted

~Peace & Blessings~

Challenges......

Had a wonderful weekend....my son had a Holiday Concert which is always really nice.  My daughter sung in the choir the past 2 years and then my son decided this last year to take the class.  Afterwards we took a family photo by the huge Christmas tree in the foyer, went to Walgreen's the next day and had printed on Holiday Cards *huge smile because was a really cheap gift to send our family which they will enjoy a lot*.

Sooooo on to this weekend....... S has been doing awesome with the communicating and reaching out but of course me and my spoiled self want more.  I realize that since our talk (and Jupiter visit) he has not actually picked up the phone to call me....... :-/  I wait......responding to messages.....wait.....got out the house with my girlfriend just to catch up with her and then........I let the texts roll.  I told him that while I appreciated the messages recently that I still would like to hear his voice.  He called and was like "You will not be happy until I just get a damn ring will you"?.  Well.....basically yea lol  But all jokes aside he told me that texting his is form of communication, that he doesn't like being on the phone caking all day, and that as long as he knows I'm good (knows where I am) he's good but that he doesn't understand the need to keep reassuring me that he's "Behaving".  I told him that this change has just occurred within the last week!  Granted I decided to let the past be the past and give him a chance to prove differently but I'm sorry if in the back of my mind I still have moments awaiting his phuck up.  Was talking to my co-worker and he expressed how he went through some things with his GF and it seems to me that when men apologize and are attempting to make amends after their mishaps we're to just "Wa La" be back on the smooth sailing trust ship.  Granted I don't condone checking phones etc., but if that's where she discovered your infidelity then that may be what she needs to rebuild trust....... IDK  I told S that I didn't need to check his e-mail, facebook, nothing because all I wanted to do was validate my feelings (in which he repeatedly told me I was trippin') and have physical evidence in which I ended up retrieving.....there's nothing more that could be done at this point (well maybe someone being pregnant......). 

Moving on..... He stated that he was tired of saying the same things and I just apologized that it's not that easy for me but I hope that he see's I'm making progress.  I wait to actually talk to him and not go on texts fits and unlike him I didn't blow his phone up after realizing he again did not call me.  He then surprised me and asked if I wanted to go eat and to a movie.  AND even mentioned staying the night.  Now this is a shocker because 1. I have to be up super early for work and he has nothing to do since classes are out. 2. We've spent a lot of time with each other these past couple weeks.  I'm not complaining, very appreciative, but of course wondering why STILL.  We go to see "Red Dawn" (awesome by the way), have dinner, and then back to my place.  While he's in the room I go into the kitchen to get some water and AMBUSH.......................................................................................from the counter, to being bent over the couch, to the bed.............................................................................smh  I don't know what got over him but MAN.......last night was straight phu*king...... *giggles*  Well there was a mixture I'll be honest, it's just us, but hard to explain the level of passion we feel it's just......................................................................*sighs*

Anyway once finished we talked........... I mean talked........this past couple talks have been really deep.  A friend led me to ask him about being emotionally detached.  On the phone he first stated that that was not the case, he loves me, in love with me, and very attached.  But then as we talked he began to open up more and more about his actions with these girls.  I knew he had been hurt in the past (Fiance' cheated and ended up pregnant by another guy) but I never realized the extent and damage it could do to a man.  I asked him how he could love me so yet be with another woman and he told me straight up "You're not gonna like what I'm about to say....are you sure you wanna know?"  "I care about you, love you, but enjoy the company of women point blank.  I could take my feelings for you, box them up and sit to the side.  I get to know women, different things you all like, how you operate, and yes I'm guilty, but I could give 2 phucks about how they feel, how their day is going, anything.  After past hurt I told myself I wouldn't allow that sh*t to happen to me again and that the woman that wanted me I would have to know without a shadow of doubt truly did love me".  By this time I'm looking dumbfounded........  I asked him but why keep me around but change out females so much, rotating ???  He said because unlike them I was a challenge (?).... "Do you know how many of these chicks be in my face telling me they love me, wanna have my baby, need me in their life?  I'm sure they be telling other dudes the same thing".  But this is when I asked him but how do you know..........how do you know they don't actually mean it?  He broke down the cycle and as torn as I was I listened because again he was really opening up and I wanted to know inside of his head.  He said, "Yes I enjoy meeting women, first couple of days conversation is cool, you talk, get to know each other, but then you realize this isn't what I want and they start falling by the way side.  They start texting the same 'You don't call me, you don't make time', and they're right I don't.  One woman I have made sure I make time for and keep is you."  But I then asked him if he realized that I was one of them women.......like I've really been proving my damn love. *sighs* I then asked him again why now........why such the epiphany.  He responded "Because after you blocked me and shut down I realized that I could lose you.  You have been here for me through a lot sh*t, through all the hurt you're still here and I realized I may actually lose you and I can't see you not being in my life".  He admitted to being emotionally detached, broke down difference between where we are now and what it would mean to actually be in a relationship.......calls for no reason, breakfast/lunch, etc., he just started listing things and I asked him "Do you realize you do some of those things now?"  This very conversation reminded me of a friend that I have, was 45 at the time, found out he was in a relationship (moved past all that, they're married and now talk to him like a big brother every now and then) anyway he confided in me that he didn't realize he was in a relationship until a year or 2.......he realized that he was doing all the things yet saying he wanted none of it (parking lot pimping Kappa smh lol) But S's words made me think back on this.  He says he's not "there" yet, yes he loves me, yes he wants to be monogamous, yes he is DONE playing, yet I'm like so all that's missing is a title...........?  He enjoys our time, want to have more of it, nervous about stepping into a Step Father role because he grew up with his father, he didn't have his physical mother but his dad took him and raised him so he told me he needs help in that area. "I need Step Father for the Dummy".  Only thing is how can I help him if I don't know myself........ :-(  It would all be new to us.  Difference is my children are older, they're teens, they've been raised (minus little life lessons to now experience).  I have no idea how this should go.......

Anyway, think I've written enough.  Oh.......of course after 2-3 hours of talking, expressing, opening up about who all we've been with this past time period, we ended up at it again smh  4 am.......I.....AM......SO......TIRED......
One thing we do have on point is our sex.....mind blowing, hair pulling, "body folding" as one of my readers would say *giggles*....... Now if his actions will continue to align with what he's conveyed recently.......................

~Peace & Blessings~

Shaky Ground......

Two days later and S is actually surprising me...... I've been allowing him to contact me first, whether it be a phone call or text (while I realize it's mostly text and that's just how he operates), and I enjoy it.  We're not holding the phone listening to dead air and are actually having good conversations.  He's deciding on starting career or going into Grad School, I of course pursuing Doctorate.  Buuuuut I must admit, my lil conscience that's sitting on my left should has her lips pierced together, rolling her eyes like chick it's only been two days please.... that ninja is gonna show out again smh lol  I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.  I was hesistant but asked him on yesterday why now?  Why in such a short period you now want to decide to "behave"?  He simply responded "Because I want to...." MEN....... Either way I said I would allow his actions to show me more than his words and right now he gets an A for effort.

In other news..... I got a Gold Card from Starbucks in the mail (that's when you know it's real lol)  Yes I am a Starbucks Junky! smh  But recently with this change in lifestyle, diet, etc., I've actually laid off coffee.  Very proud of myself and now get their Green Tea Latte's :-) 

Christmas..... This time of the year is an exciting time but also one that saddens me.  I haven't spent a Holiday with any of my blood (besides children) in 9 years now.  My mother, father, are all in California and I miss them dearly.  I have my god-mother that I try to visit but she's about 6 hours away and while I was trying to make that trip this Season my funds will not cover....I struggle just trying to get back and forth to work weekly so.  Summer of 2011 I was out of work and bills got so far behind that I am still trying to play catch up.... Then last Christmas my car went out which I was finally forced to have a car note.  Now don't get my wrong I'm not complaining but this is where we are right now.  I'm thankful, we have shelter, some food, lights, heat, and I have a close girlfriend that will be cooking in which we will be at her house for Christmas day but I pray and will be planning to do better next year.  Have even contemplated taking my tax return and buying our tickets early in the year so that we're already set for the trip.  I'm also thankful that my children are not spoiled brats, expecting everything, they are grateful and understand that I just can't go all out like that.  I will sacrifice a bill and set aside something for them though because that's just me but feel as long as our main items are taken care of we will be fine.

We have each other and that's all that matters because some don't even have that......

~Peace & Blessings~

Jupiter Love.......

So yesterday my dress attire was as follows.......  ---->

Knee high heel black boots

Black fishnet tights (hard to see here)

Black pencil skirt

Red short sleeve turtleneck (fitting)

Now......going back to yesterdays post, when S walked in office initially I was like here we go again not prepared to hear anything that rolled off his tongue.  But after our extensive talk I finally rised from the desk in which he saw what he saw and I therefor saw this look of "If only her office was secluded........" smh.  He had asked if I would come over so we could finish talking, at that point he had asked me about my birthday, asking about going on a date for the 21st (In which still in my attitude I told him to send me a calendar invite so I know it's real :-/  ), and then onto my budget - what I should do to help me get back on track and caught up with things, etc., I was like wow.....like why is he so concerned with where my finances are? How I'm getting along?  Anyway, at this point he reinterates this visit again and brings up Batman.   Of COURSE I want to see Batman, I love Batman, but I also know us....so immediately I tell myself under NO circumstances do the boots, hell even scarf come off because I will fail my Leprechaun duty.

Well................................yea..............................................it went down.  Now we've had angry, tearing clothes off, pulling hair, scratching (my nails), and recently biting (I bit a hole in his lip couple weeks ago smh) sex before, but this............................................this was different.  Felt so emotional - so caught up on another level - and even while starting I was pushing him away - and then they started.........the tears (how embarrassing :-(  ) But tears begin to well up, and he just looked me in my eyes mid-stroke and was like I'm sorry, I'm sorry for hurting you, all the bull sh*t, I love you, I really do love you, and I just muttled that I didn't want to fight anymore.  He just was like "I'll behave".  Now.........as emotional and caught up and good that peen felt in the back of my mind I was saying shut up.  And then he said what I was thinking lol

But all jokes aside, the only thing that will tell me he's ready is his actions.  He was right, the first time I stepped out I did cry.....I felt guilty.....I showered and asked the guy to leave.  And he was right, it occured more than once but the difference was I always had him in my head which resulted in wishing I had just went running and had a V8.  He on the other hand, he said he dealt with one of the girls for 4 months!  Something kept him seeing her and then ultimately ending things.  I don't know......don't know about the flood of emotions that occured.  I've felt it before but never the tears.  If he did it now what will stop him later?  Can he be faithful?  In his head since we're not "traditional" (whatever) is that how he see's and rationalize things?  I wanted to press exactly what "I'll behave" meant but felt like it was an understood moment........then said hell nah I need clarfication because as a young child was taught "when you assume you make an arse of yourself".  He started with the communication part, answering.....then just said "behave".

Life........one day at a time.

~Peace & Blessings~