Blooming......

Goodness.......did not realize I hadn't written or did an update since February! 
That only means that I've been LIVING!  *huge smiles*

I have a new plant, actually two new plants as of today :-) 

So on with the updates.........

1. Daniel Fast  - Completed 01/2013

2. "The Purpose Driven Life" - Still needing to get caught up!

3. Date Night / Girls Night Out Monthly - Poetry Night (Jan.) Superbowl Party (Feb.) House Party (tonight :-) Night Out with co-worker (March)

4. Dating with no attachments - I haven't had a date this year yet.......and I'm absolutely fine with that......for right now.  This changes so I need to find balance and really be ok with it.

5. Abstinence - Didn't do well with Lent......and was actually doing good until night out :-/  Back to one day at a time......

6. PhD Program - Took the GRE AND turned in application for Juvenile Justice.  I'm also looking to apply to the Higher Ed. program as well.  Now the wait...... :-)

7. 52 Week Money  Challenge - I am catching up this month!
8. NO Chemicals or Heat on hair for at least the next 6 months - Braids are out!  Now have weave in place for protective styling until end of May
9. I will commit to Yoga daily - Hit and miss some days but for the most past have been getting in weekly
10. Cancun or Miami in June (Girlfriends Bday) - First & second payment made for Cancun!!  Also, was worried about the flight purchase but a friend has got me a Buddy Pass :-)  So far all is still a go!
11. Myrtle Beach in August (First Family Reunion) - Still not many responses from family so this may be a no go :-(
12. California in December! - Still in the making......

13. Church Participation (Choir, Youth, etc.) - Need to do better!

14. CASA Appointment - Completed Feb. 11th, 2013!!

15. Obtain a Passport - Accomplished! Mar. 9th, 2013
16. No Overdraft fee's for the year - Bombed - Rough first couple months.....but hopefully no more starting with March.

17. More toning with weights - Just getting over the Flu and hoping to get back on it this week. 
18. Six Flags Fiesta Texas / Daughter's bday - Decided to not do.  Started Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University and just decided to put that money towards all bills being caught up.  She's getting her hair done instead :-)
19. Mosaic Women's Course - I did decide to let this go for now. I may revisit later in the year.

20. Monthly FunDay with kids - Missed Jan. but tomorrow taking them to the Jam Session for All Star!! - So they didn't want to attend All Star with me - Darius's life has become consumed with skateboarding and Allana just didn't want to go :-(  Will think of some other fun things......

21. Take more baths than showers - Need to do better........

22. Blog about every single one of these items - Can't believed I missed the entire month of March but will do better.....

23. Delta Sigma Theta Centennial Celebration - Not happening

Some things I am adding is 24. Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University - I had been wanting to complete this class for a while now and happy to report that tomorrow night is my last class!  Nine weeks of budgeting and different ways of becoming ruler over my finances :-)

This past month has had some ups and downs as usual.  But, I am happy that I'm still moving forward.  In watching an episode of Oprah's Life Class, Iyanla talked about guilt and how it does nothing but consume us.  I felt very guilty allowing 'him' into my space again.....but Iyanla stated that instead of being overcome by the guilt. it's ok to feel convicted, realize what was done wrong, and then continue moving forward.  I felt like that guilt took over and then I ultimately ended up sick last week.  I'm feeling much better, still stuffy and congested, but just taking one day at a time with moving forward.    ~Peace & Blessings~    

Awakening......

So I paid $30 to a therapist on yesterday for her to tell me to Fast...........lol  The fact that I can even laugh now is awesome but I took her advice because I knew she was right.

My awakening freaked me out......the sexual abuse as a child, finding safe love with my grandmother to then be abused again in high school, finding safe love in my husband to only have him die, God took him away........ I now see how I've masked that hurt all these years, overcompensating and just going on with life yet angry inside.  I can now see how I never liked "nice" men......"real men".  It's ok to pause and grieve, heal, and then move on.  Too often things happen in our lives and we just keep trucking along..........it's ok to stop and heal.......but don't get stuck.  I honestly feel like I've been asleep for the past 10 years.  Like my life has been a blur.  You hear of people waking up from coma's and starting life over and that's how I honestly feel.  I can now really begin to heal, live and love, love me.  I've been running too long.  I've ran to College, then to Career, been running to church, self-help books, BLOGS, and it's time to stop running.

I talked to my manager and just thanked her because without her knowing she would see the anger on different days.  In all my years of working no one has ever said anything to me about it.  She then begin to let me in on some of her childhood and upbringing.  It's amazes me the number of people that walk around and interact wrecking havoc on others lives that are simply............broken.

Last night I stared at my plant and for the first time this morning I actually cared about it....... I watered it, looked at the leaves, and then found a nice place to sit it for sunlight.  I think I'm gonna be fine.  All the "you're better than that, get out and enjoy life, you're beautiful"..........I'm starting to see it, embrace it.  I do know one thing, as freaked out as I was seeing myself as if for the first time............I hope it never happens again lol

I allowed a man to drive me crazy........literally..........never again.

~Peace & Blessings~

Falling.......

So yesterday I believe I had my very first nervous breakdown.........FREAKED OUT!  I had spoke with my sister the night before and with one simple question Pandora's box was opened. 

She had asked me why I didn't call my niece for her birthday.  My thoughts said because I don't care but my mouth said because I didn't grow up like that (we grew up in different households and wasn't a big thing).  My one thought led me to why do I feel that way about my family?  How do I "say" that I love them and miss them yet could care less about their lives or seeing them?  That doesn't add up........ While sitting in the parking lot of Kroger it hit me.  The way I felt about my family and loved ones were the exact words S had been telling me.  I remember a conversation that we had in which he said these very words to me, "I don't care about a lot of things that other people do care about.......don't know why I just don't. I love you but I can't show you love the way you want me to".  It hit me, what he does to me is exactly how I treat others.  I say I miss my family and wish I had some close yet can go months/years without talking to them and could care less what is going on in their life.  Why? Why do I stay away yet claim to miss so?  This led me to do further research.  Of course at this moment I'm now wondering am I Narcissistic........but the more I read I then found out I'm indeed Borderline...............  Most men are Narcissistic and are attracted to women who are Borderline.  I have drawn attraction from men for a very long time, charming, can appeal to any man, it's in my nature. I gravitate to broken men.....I fix broken men.  I realized today why when I meet a safe guy I'm turned off, safe terrifies me.  My husband was safe - I gave him hell - and then God took  him away from me.  I freaked because the enemy that I saw in S I now saw in myself.  This was never about him.....readings say that most Narcissistic Men will never realize themselves, some grow out of it and some don't but takes a hit like I experienced to see it.  I freaked because it felt like a curtain had come up on my life and I no longer knew the woman I thought I was.  In reading it says the condition stems from the mother for both boys and girls at a young age.  Attention that is missed as a child is now thrived on and pretty pictures or painted for the world to see.  This blog probably outlines more of my life than any person I actually speak to.....some of the things here would taint me.

I got my plant because I thought it would help me heal from him but I now realize my plant will help me heal from me....... I know how my condition started.  My mother's mental illness didn't allow her to give the attention I needed as a child, her supportive side was missing because she suffered with her own issues.  She now does better now that she understands herself but in talking to her on yesterday I think she will now see the extent of how it has effected her 6 children.

I feel drained.  I woke with another revelation in regards to how I've treated my manager, to only be remorseful the next day, and also how I've treated my kids, now terrified of them going thru the same once they become adults.  It was said that in today's society Narcissism is heightened......we all want things now and feel entitlement.  Social Sites help us paint pretty pictures of ourselves when we are hell on wheels.  I was a late bloomer with watching Scandal, no cable and just had never came across it.  I remember the first time watching it and being hooked lol  A friend said that I was driven like Olivia........but then another friend came back and said I was just like Olivia.  I'm a fixer.  I'm drawn to men that need fixing.  Of course I didn't see it that way, just felt the attractions. I always equated me moving on because I can just leave men like that but it's not actually the case.  Ex. I have a friend that I was so attached to.  We talked on yesterday and I asked him if he realized that when he was going thru hell with his job, yet didn't want me I was so engulfed with him.......then a couple of years later he took me to dinner and professed wanting to date and how things had changed in his life.  I was no longer attracted to him, stopped answering his calls and communicating - cut off.  He didn't need fixing and the thought of him actually being right to love me now terrified me.

I feel like I was praying and asking God to show me, show me, show me!  And in the parking lot of Kroger he lifted the curtains so I could see it all.......... We couldn't leave each other because our controlling personalities attract each other and thrive off the chaos that we cause. My control comes from seduction, which a lot of times I don't even know I'm doing (Men: I love your voice, your walk, something about you........they're right - something about me).

I'm still gonna work with my plant.  I had planted my seeds but my friend bought me an actual plant.  He said that if I neglect it the plant will show much faster. Everyone says it's such a beautiful plant, like when they say I'm a beautiful person...... I don't see it, it's just a plant, but I guess that's the point. Can I grow to love and take care of this plant like I think I love and take care of these men?

This link explains what I've been going thru since my husband passed (maybe even before) and my exact life this past year and trying to change........ http://gettinbetter.com/dance.html

~Peace & Blessings~