So I paid $30 to a therapist on yesterday for her to tell me to Fast...........lol The fact that I can even laugh now is awesome but I took her advice because I knew she was right.
My awakening freaked me out......the sexual abuse as a child, finding safe love with my grandmother to then be abused again in high school, finding safe love in my husband to only have him die, God took him away........ I now see how I've masked that hurt all these years, overcompensating and just going on with life yet angry inside. I can now see how I never liked "nice" men......"real men". It's ok to pause and grieve, heal, and then move on. Too often things happen in our lives and we just keep trucking along..........it's ok to stop and heal.......but don't get stuck. I honestly feel like I've been asleep for the past 10 years. Like my life has been a blur. You hear of people waking up from coma's and starting life over and that's how I honestly feel. I can now really begin to heal, live and love, love me. I've been running too long. I've ran to College, then to Career, been running to church, self-help books, BLOGS, and it's time to stop running.
I talked to my manager and just thanked her because without her knowing she would see the anger on different days. In all my years of working no one has ever said anything to me about it. She then begin to let me in on some of her childhood and upbringing. It's amazes me the number of people that walk around and interact wrecking havoc on others lives that are simply............broken.
Last night I stared at my plant and for the first time this morning I actually cared about it....... I watered it, looked at the leaves, and then found a nice place to sit it for sunlight. I think I'm gonna be fine. All the "you're better than that, get out and enjoy life, you're beautiful"..........I'm starting to see it, embrace it. I do know one thing, as freaked out as I was seeing myself as if for the first time............I hope it never happens again lol
I allowed a man to drive me crazy........literally..........never again.
~Peace & Blessings~