If you've been following my Blogs then you know my long battling relationship with S has been so rocky. Well after my "I'm not going back / not putting myself through this anymore" crusade at the beginning of the year I found myself once again caught in the spiders web.......
We have been going through this for over a year now and I could not understand the why....... I got the "You deserve better", "It's him not you", "You need to leave him alone" speeches. I got all of that but what I couldn't understand was why it was so hard for me to do exactly that - break away. Well we had a final blow up last Friday. I had just been with him on Tuesday, he was visiting me daily, but by Friday he was done with me. I had embarrassed myself thinking he was messing around with a young lady and confronted them in which she wholeheartedly denied and was actually the girlfriend to his friend. I did not feel bad, this is the monster that has been created after so many lies and deceit and yes cheating. I would later find out that I wasn't too off for by going to his home I did find and see there was actually someone else. While standing in the driveway the many that was so in love with me begin to tell me that he called the cops on me and that I was to leave his property. See he was making it seem like I had embarrassed him early and was done with me and my trust issues when in actuality the young lady was in the house and he needed me gone so that she didn't see me. As I stood there dumbfounded and so heartbroken trying to understand I then saw the young lady dart to her car. S then walked past me, caught up to the unsuspecting young lady (who seemed to be trying to pull off), and left me standing there in my sorrow.
I married young, was married before I graduated high school. I NEVER experienced an infidelity issue with my husband. Never felt he ever lied to me. He never raised his voice to me and when we would get into arguments he would simply dismiss himself until we calmed down. This year makes 10 years that my husband has passed. I've had heartache, definitely experienced all those things after he past, but what I hadn't experienced was an emotional roller coaster such as this. One minute deeply in love with me and the next such cold eyes as if I don't exist. I hadn't experienced breaking away time and time again to only break down and start the cycle again. Well after this occurrence I decided to talk to one of my big sisters and explain what I had been dealing with for the past year and half. I explained to her how when I first met him he was my "savior". I had just been in a car accident and the company was not calling me back, paying, etc. He swooped in and saved the day. From there was adamant about meeting my children, would cook us dinner, all this talk about spending the rest of his life with me, etc. Now I figured ok......it's been over a month, could this actually be happening to me.....someone loves me finally.................................................oh boy how wrong I was.
Within a couple months I noticed first the calls would decrease. The only time I would hear from him was when he needed something. Any other time our communication was always through texts. He would tell me things he would do and never follow through, would tell my children things and never keep commitments. Then right before Christmas is when the emotional abuse begin. He went from me being the love of his life to cursing and yelling at me. I had never experienced this growing up and made excuses that this is just how he was raised. We are raised differently right? Some parents argue and curse their kids, some don't, right? Sure enough around New Year I got the "I'm sorry for how I treated you, I was so wrong but I know it's too late. Can't take back what the things I"ve said". Awwww he realizes the woman he had and now see's he was wrong! Awesome - WRONG! This would continue to occur each time I would let go. The excuses to come back became more serious. Next would be his grandfather being diagnosed with cancer, next would be him dying, sometimes something with school, just was always something different, and while there were some truth to the madness it was all used to draw me back into the web.
As I told this story to my sister I could hear her laugh and I was like why are you laughing?? She begin to tell me that she wasn't laughing at me but that in listening to me she felt like she was listening to herself repeat what she had gone through earlier. She then asked me one simple questions, "How's his relationship with his mother?". I then laughed because I had found out over time that S's relationship with his biological mother was not a good one at all. His mother did not want him (so goes the story) and his father and step-mother raised him. I could tell when he spoke that the woman he actually refereed to as his mom was his step-mother.......he referred to his mother by her real name or nothing at all......but then also had some resentment with his step-mother in feeling like she treated him differently than his younger sisters she had with his dad. "He sounds like he's Narcissistic", she then replied. Narciss what????? I had NEVER even heard of the word. I then faintly remember Khole on the Kardashian Show calling Kourtney's boyfriend a Narcissist and Sociopathic lier. I never even looked the word up. She then told me to look it up and in the dictionary it read "Excessive love or admiration of oneself". Didn't sound that harmful to me but when I repeated this to her she said "No, you need to look deeper. Google Narcissistic Men and Relationships", and O............M............G............. *tears*
My tears that I had been shedding all night, most of the day went from being from so much pain to joy that I now know...............................................................it was never me. I then too felt like my life was being read to me by people I had never met all over the Internet. My characteristic and the woman I am never had a chance with him. I then had to be careful to not feel so bad for him that I became compelled to "love him more".....that's what I had been doing - making excused for his behavior yet deciding to still "hold him down", love him unconditionally. In different readings it stated that the men (and women because can be both) lack empathy (hence why when sick there was no call to check on me, do you need soup, meds) but I remember him calling because he needed something.....when things were good and then quickly changed and I questioned he would twist my words so that to by the end of the conversation I felt like sh*t and was wanting to apologize to him...........................the lying..........the coldness..........and then 2 days later the love again. Just a terrible vicious cycle. I then began to question did he ever really love me and in readings finally accepted that he loved me to the best of his capabilities.
I was then able to forgive him and give closure to myself that I had been seeking when left standing in the driveway on Friday. I then could look up ways for healing myself. You see I understand he had this condition but had to realize and understand my conditions for allowing it to continue. I realize I am a woman that loves hard, I forgive, and am very giving - it's how I'm wired - but it's also my downfall and what predator's are drawn to. I have to fix me, begin to love me more so that I'm able to move on and know the warning signs for when I decide to get back out there and date. In reading a blog "
The Narcissistic Continuum" the writer compared dating to a three step process:
1. Get a plant - take care of for 6 months 2. Get a dog - take care of for 6 months 3. Get a Partner.
I also took away some valuable information in how to proceed once I do begin to date again Dr. Martha Stout, author of "The Sociopath Next Door"......
I love him.........no doubt about it..........but I accept that I will have to love him from afar. I now have two new goals for my list this year....and a lot of time to make up for the depression and time missed with my children.
It is my prayer that this blog helps someone out there like the one that has helped me......
#Healing and #BecomingMyOwnBestFriend
I would like to add that my weekend actually ended on a good note.......no I didn't make any of the All Star games do to being so depressed initially but on Sunday I did get out with my girlfriends to a Day Party and had a blast! **I'm the one in the grey/blackish dress ;-) **
~Peace & Blessings~
