Awakening......

So I paid $30 to a therapist on yesterday for her to tell me to Fast...........lol  The fact that I can even laugh now is awesome but I took her advice because I knew she was right.

My awakening freaked me out......the sexual abuse as a child, finding safe love with my grandmother to then be abused again in high school, finding safe love in my husband to only have him die, God took him away........ I now see how I've masked that hurt all these years, overcompensating and just going on with life yet angry inside.  I can now see how I never liked "nice" men......"real men".  It's ok to pause and grieve, heal, and then move on.  Too often things happen in our lives and we just keep trucking along..........it's ok to stop and heal.......but don't get stuck.  I honestly feel like I've been asleep for the past 10 years.  Like my life has been a blur.  You hear of people waking up from coma's and starting life over and that's how I honestly feel.  I can now really begin to heal, live and love, love me.  I've been running too long.  I've ran to College, then to Career, been running to church, self-help books, BLOGS, and it's time to stop running.

I talked to my manager and just thanked her because without her knowing she would see the anger on different days.  In all my years of working no one has ever said anything to me about it.  She then begin to let me in on some of her childhood and upbringing.  It's amazes me the number of people that walk around and interact wrecking havoc on others lives that are simply............broken.

Last night I stared at my plant and for the first time this morning I actually cared about it....... I watered it, looked at the leaves, and then found a nice place to sit it for sunlight.  I think I'm gonna be fine.  All the "you're better than that, get out and enjoy life, you're beautiful"..........I'm starting to see it, embrace it.  I do know one thing, as freaked out as I was seeing myself as if for the first time............I hope it never happens again lol

I allowed a man to drive me crazy........literally..........never again.

~Peace & Blessings~

Falling.......

So yesterday I believe I had my very first nervous breakdown.........FREAKED OUT!  I had spoke with my sister the night before and with one simple question Pandora's box was opened. 

She had asked me why I didn't call my niece for her birthday.  My thoughts said because I don't care but my mouth said because I didn't grow up like that (we grew up in different households and wasn't a big thing).  My one thought led me to why do I feel that way about my family?  How do I "say" that I love them and miss them yet could care less about their lives or seeing them?  That doesn't add up........ While sitting in the parking lot of Kroger it hit me.  The way I felt about my family and loved ones were the exact words S had been telling me.  I remember a conversation that we had in which he said these very words to me, "I don't care about a lot of things that other people do care about.......don't know why I just don't. I love you but I can't show you love the way you want me to".  It hit me, what he does to me is exactly how I treat others.  I say I miss my family and wish I had some close yet can go months/years without talking to them and could care less what is going on in their life.  Why? Why do I stay away yet claim to miss so?  This led me to do further research.  Of course at this moment I'm now wondering am I Narcissistic........but the more I read I then found out I'm indeed Borderline...............  Most men are Narcissistic and are attracted to women who are Borderline.  I have drawn attraction from men for a very long time, charming, can appeal to any man, it's in my nature. I gravitate to broken men.....I fix broken men.  I realized today why when I meet a safe guy I'm turned off, safe terrifies me.  My husband was safe - I gave him hell - and then God took  him away from me.  I freaked because the enemy that I saw in S I now saw in myself.  This was never about him.....readings say that most Narcissistic Men will never realize themselves, some grow out of it and some don't but takes a hit like I experienced to see it.  I freaked because it felt like a curtain had come up on my life and I no longer knew the woman I thought I was.  In reading it says the condition stems from the mother for both boys and girls at a young age.  Attention that is missed as a child is now thrived on and pretty pictures or painted for the world to see.  This blog probably outlines more of my life than any person I actually speak to.....some of the things here would taint me.

I got my plant because I thought it would help me heal from him but I now realize my plant will help me heal from me....... I know how my condition started.  My mother's mental illness didn't allow her to give the attention I needed as a child, her supportive side was missing because she suffered with her own issues.  She now does better now that she understands herself but in talking to her on yesterday I think she will now see the extent of how it has effected her 6 children.

I feel drained.  I woke with another revelation in regards to how I've treated my manager, to only be remorseful the next day, and also how I've treated my kids, now terrified of them going thru the same once they become adults.  It was said that in today's society Narcissism is heightened......we all want things now and feel entitlement.  Social Sites help us paint pretty pictures of ourselves when we are hell on wheels.  I was a late bloomer with watching Scandal, no cable and just had never came across it.  I remember the first time watching it and being hooked lol  A friend said that I was driven like Olivia........but then another friend came back and said I was just like Olivia.  I'm a fixer.  I'm drawn to men that need fixing.  Of course I didn't see it that way, just felt the attractions. I always equated me moving on because I can just leave men like that but it's not actually the case.  Ex. I have a friend that I was so attached to.  We talked on yesterday and I asked him if he realized that when he was going thru hell with his job, yet didn't want me I was so engulfed with him.......then a couple of years later he took me to dinner and professed wanting to date and how things had changed in his life.  I was no longer attracted to him, stopped answering his calls and communicating - cut off.  He didn't need fixing and the thought of him actually being right to love me now terrified me.

I feel like I was praying and asking God to show me, show me, show me!  And in the parking lot of Kroger he lifted the curtains so I could see it all.......... We couldn't leave each other because our controlling personalities attract each other and thrive off the chaos that we cause. My control comes from seduction, which a lot of times I don't even know I'm doing (Men: I love your voice, your walk, something about you........they're right - something about me).

I'm still gonna work with my plant.  I had planted my seeds but my friend bought me an actual plant.  He said that if I neglect it the plant will show much faster. Everyone says it's such a beautiful plant, like when they say I'm a beautiful person...... I don't see it, it's just a plant, but I guess that's the point. Can I grow to love and take care of this plant like I think I love and take care of these men?

This link explains what I've been going thru since my husband passed (maybe even before) and my exact life this past year and trying to change........ http://gettinbetter.com/dance.html

~Peace & Blessings~

Narcissism - Love doesn't feel like this........

If you've been following my Blogs then you know my long battling relationship with S has been so rocky.  Well after my "I'm not going back / not putting myself through this anymore" crusade at the beginning of the year I found myself once again caught in the spiders web.......

We have been going through this for over a year now and I could not understand the why....... I got the "You deserve better", "It's him not you", "You need to leave him alone" speeches.  I got all of that but what I couldn't understand was why it was so hard for me to do exactly that - break away.  Well we had a final blow up last Friday.  I had just been with him on Tuesday, he was visiting me daily, but by Friday he was done with me.  I had embarrassed myself thinking he was messing around with a young lady and confronted them in which she wholeheartedly denied and was actually the girlfriend to his friend.  I did not feel bad, this is the monster that has been created after so many lies and deceit and yes cheating.  I would later find out that I wasn't too off for by going to his home I did find and see there was actually someone else.  While standing in the driveway the many that was so in love with me begin to tell me that he called the cops on me and that I was to leave his property.  See he was making it seem like I had embarrassed him early and was done with me and my trust issues when in actuality the young lady was in the house and he needed me gone so that she didn't see me.  As I stood there dumbfounded and so heartbroken trying to understand I then saw the young lady dart to her car.  S then walked past me, caught up to the unsuspecting young lady (who seemed to be trying to pull off), and left me standing there in my sorrow.

I married young, was married before I graduated high school.  I NEVER experienced an infidelity issue with my husband.  Never felt he ever lied to me.  He never raised his voice to me and when we would get into arguments he would simply dismiss himself until we calmed down.  This year makes 10 years that my husband has passed.  I've had heartache, definitely experienced all those things after he past, but what I hadn't experienced was an emotional roller coaster such as this.  One minute deeply in love with me and the next such cold eyes as if I don't exist.  I hadn't experienced breaking away time and time again to only break down and start the cycle again.  Well after this occurrence I decided to talk to one of my big sisters and explain what I had been dealing with for the past year and half.  I explained to her how when I first met him he was my "savior".  I had just been in a car accident and the company was not calling me back, paying, etc.  He swooped in and saved the day. From there was adamant about meeting my children, would cook us dinner, all this talk about spending the rest of his life with me, etc.  Now I figured ok......it's been over a month, could this actually be happening to me.....someone loves me finally.................................................oh boy how wrong I was.

Within a couple months I noticed first the calls would decrease.  The only time I would hear from him was when he needed something.  Any other time our communication was always through texts.  He would tell me things he would do and never follow through, would tell my children things and never keep commitments.  Then right before Christmas is when the emotional abuse begin.  He went from me being the love of his life to cursing and yelling at me.  I had never experienced this growing up and made excuses that this is just how he was raised.  We are raised differently right?  Some parents argue and curse their kids, some don't, right?  Sure enough around New Year I got the "I'm sorry for how I treated you, I was so wrong but I know it's too late.  Can't take back what the things I"ve said".  Awwww he realizes the woman he had and now see's he was wrong!  Awesome - WRONG!  This would continue to occur each time I would let go.  The excuses to come back became more serious.  Next would be his grandfather being diagnosed with cancer, next would be him dying, sometimes something with school, just was always something different, and while there were some truth to the madness it was all used to draw me back into the web.

As I told this story to my sister I could hear her laugh and I was like why are you laughing??  She begin to tell me that she wasn't laughing at me but that in listening to me she felt like she was listening to herself repeat what she had gone through earlier.  She then asked me one simple questions, "How's his relationship with his mother?".  I then laughed because I had found out over time that S's relationship with his biological mother was not a good one at all.  His mother did not want him (so goes the story) and his father and step-mother raised him.  I could tell when he spoke that the woman he actually refereed to as his mom was his step-mother.......he referred to his mother by her real name or nothing at all......but then also had some resentment with his step-mother in feeling like she treated him differently than his younger sisters she had with his dad.  "He sounds like he's Narcissistic", she then replied.  Narciss what?????  I had NEVER even heard of the word.  I then faintly remember Khole on the Kardashian Show calling Kourtney's boyfriend a Narcissist and Sociopathic lier.  I never even looked the word up.  She then told me to look it up and in the dictionary it read "Excessive love or admiration of oneself".  Didn't sound that harmful to me but when I repeated this to her she said "No, you need to look deeper. Google Narcissistic Men and Relationships", and O............M............G............. *tears*

My tears that I had been shedding all night, most of the day went from being from so much pain to joy that I now know...............................................................it was never me.  I then too felt like my life was being read to me by people I had never met all over the Internet.  My characteristic and the woman I am never had a chance with him.  I then had to be careful to not feel so bad for him that I became compelled to "love him more".....that's what I had been doing - making excused for his behavior yet deciding to still "hold him down", love him unconditionally.  In different readings it stated that the men (and women because can be both) lack empathy (hence why when sick there was no call to check on me, do you need soup, meds) but I remember him calling because he needed something.....when things were good and then quickly changed and I questioned he would twist my words so that to by the end of the conversation I felt like sh*t and was wanting to apologize to him...........................the lying..........the coldness..........and then 2 days later the love again.  Just a terrible vicious cycle.  I then began to question did he ever really love me and in readings finally accepted that he loved me to the best of his capabilities.

I was then able to forgive him and give closure to myself that I had been seeking when left standing in the driveway on Friday.  I then could look up ways for healing myself.  You see I understand he had this condition but had to realize and understand my conditions for allowing it to continue.  I realize I am a woman that loves hard, I forgive, and am very giving - it's how I'm wired - but it's also my downfall and what predator's are drawn to. I have to fix me, begin to love me more so that I'm able to move on and know the warning signs for when I decide to get back out there and date.  In reading a blog "The Narcissistic Continuum" the writer compared dating to a three step process:

1. Get a plant - take care of for 6 months 2. Get a dog - take care of for 6 months  3. Get a Partner.

I also took away some valuable information in how to proceed once I do begin to date again Dr. Martha Stout, author of "The Sociopath Next Door"......

 

I love him.........no doubt about it..........but I accept that I will have to love him from afar.  I now have two new goals for my list this year....and a lot of time to make up for the depression and time missed with my children.

It is my prayer that this blog helps someone out there like the one that has helped me......
                                     
#Healing  and  #BecomingMyOwnBestFriend

I would like to add that my weekend actually ended on a good note.......no I didn't make any of the All Star games do to being so depressed initially but on Sunday I did get out with my girlfriends to a Day Party and had a blast! **I'm the one in the grey/blackish dress ;-) **

~Peace & Blessings~