Dr. Q Sounds Good To Me........

So my title pretty much says it all - I got into the Juvenile Justice Doctoral Program *screams* !!!

I got the call last Friday and have been on cloud 9 ever since *huge smiles*  I have to take some pre-requisite courses since I didn't have a Statistics course in my Master's program but nonetheless I am so thankful to start this next chapter.

Below is my update to goals for the year!

So on with the updates.........

1. Daniel Fast  - Completed 01/2013

2. "The Purpose Driven Life" - Still needing to get caught up!

3. Date Night / Girls Night Out Monthly - Poetry Night (Jan.) Superbowl Party (Feb.) House Party (tonight :-) Night Out with co-worker (March) Fish Fry (April) Alumni Happy Hour & Scholarship Picnic (May) 

4. Dating with no attachments - I haven't had a date this year yet.......and I'm absolutely fine with that......for right now.  This changes so I need to find balance and really be ok with it.

5. Abstinence - Going on two months.......one day at a time......

6. PhD Program - Accepted 04/26/13

7. 52 Week Money  Challenge - I am catching up this month!
8. NO Chemicals or Heat on hair for at least the next 6 months - Weave is out!  I cut it short by a month to allow my hair to breath before summer.
9. I will commit to Yoga daily - Hit and miss some days but for the most past have been getting in weekly
10. Cancun or Miami in June (Girlfriends Bday) - Trip paid for!!!  Cancun here I come!!
11. Myrtle Beach in August (First Family Reunion) - Not happening :-(
12. California in December! - Still in the making......

13. Church Participation (Choir, Youth, etc.) - Need to do better!

14. CASA Appointment - Completed Feb. 11th, 2013!!

15. Obtain a Passport - Accomplished! Mar. 9th, 2013
16. No Overdraft fee's for the year - Bombed - Rough first couple months.....but hopefully no more starting with March.

17. More toning with weights - Been on it - twice a day some days!!

18. Six Flags Fiesta Texas / Daughter's bday - Decided to not do.  Started Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University and just decided to put that money towards all bills being caught up.  She's getting her hair done instead :-)
19. Mosaic Women's Course - I did decide to let this go for now. I may revisit later in the year.

20. Monthly FunDay with kids - Dave & Buster's tonight!

21. Take more baths than showers - Doing much better......
22. Blog about every single one of these items - Can't believed I missed the entire month of March but will do better.....

23. Delta Sigma Theta Centennial Celebration - Not happening

24. Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace - Completed 04/2013

 

Super excited about all the changes!!!  No new love interest......but just enjoying my time and life!  I'm loving my hair, will try to create separate blog for that journey.  June will make one year since I've had a perm and just loving the freedom!! 

 

~Peace & Blessings~

Blooming......

Goodness.......did not realize I hadn't written or did an update since February! 
That only means that I've been LIVING!  *huge smiles*

I have a new plant, actually two new plants as of today :-) 

So on with the updates.........

1. Daniel Fast  - Completed 01/2013

2. "The Purpose Driven Life" - Still needing to get caught up!

3. Date Night / Girls Night Out Monthly - Poetry Night (Jan.) Superbowl Party (Feb.) House Party (tonight :-) Night Out with co-worker (March)

4. Dating with no attachments - I haven't had a date this year yet.......and I'm absolutely fine with that......for right now.  This changes so I need to find balance and really be ok with it.

5. Abstinence - Didn't do well with Lent......and was actually doing good until night out :-/  Back to one day at a time......

6. PhD Program - Took the GRE AND turned in application for Juvenile Justice.  I'm also looking to apply to the Higher Ed. program as well.  Now the wait...... :-)

7. 52 Week Money  Challenge - I am catching up this month!
8. NO Chemicals or Heat on hair for at least the next 6 months - Braids are out!  Now have weave in place for protective styling until end of May
9. I will commit to Yoga daily - Hit and miss some days but for the most past have been getting in weekly
10. Cancun or Miami in June (Girlfriends Bday) - First & second payment made for Cancun!!  Also, was worried about the flight purchase but a friend has got me a Buddy Pass :-)  So far all is still a go!
11. Myrtle Beach in August (First Family Reunion) - Still not many responses from family so this may be a no go :-(
12. California in December! - Still in the making......

13. Church Participation (Choir, Youth, etc.) - Need to do better!

14. CASA Appointment - Completed Feb. 11th, 2013!!

15. Obtain a Passport - Accomplished! Mar. 9th, 2013
16. No Overdraft fee's for the year - Bombed - Rough first couple months.....but hopefully no more starting with March.

17. More toning with weights - Just getting over the Flu and hoping to get back on it this week. 
18. Six Flags Fiesta Texas / Daughter's bday - Decided to not do.  Started Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University and just decided to put that money towards all bills being caught up.  She's getting her hair done instead :-)
19. Mosaic Women's Course - I did decide to let this go for now. I may revisit later in the year.

20. Monthly FunDay with kids - Missed Jan. but tomorrow taking them to the Jam Session for All Star!! - So they didn't want to attend All Star with me - Darius's life has become consumed with skateboarding and Allana just didn't want to go :-(  Will think of some other fun things......

21. Take more baths than showers - Need to do better........

22. Blog about every single one of these items - Can't believed I missed the entire month of March but will do better.....

23. Delta Sigma Theta Centennial Celebration - Not happening

Some things I am adding is 24. Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University - I had been wanting to complete this class for a while now and happy to report that tomorrow night is my last class!  Nine weeks of budgeting and different ways of becoming ruler over my finances :-)

This past month has had some ups and downs as usual.  But, I am happy that I'm still moving forward.  In watching an episode of Oprah's Life Class, Iyanla talked about guilt and how it does nothing but consume us.  I felt very guilty allowing 'him' into my space again.....but Iyanla stated that instead of being overcome by the guilt. it's ok to feel convicted, realize what was done wrong, and then continue moving forward.  I felt like that guilt took over and then I ultimately ended up sick last week.  I'm feeling much better, still stuffy and congested, but just taking one day at a time with moving forward.    ~Peace & Blessings~    

Falling.......

So yesterday I believe I had my very first nervous breakdown.........FREAKED OUT!  I had spoke with my sister the night before and with one simple question Pandora's box was opened. 

She had asked me why I didn't call my niece for her birthday.  My thoughts said because I don't care but my mouth said because I didn't grow up like that (we grew up in different households and wasn't a big thing).  My one thought led me to why do I feel that way about my family?  How do I "say" that I love them and miss them yet could care less about their lives or seeing them?  That doesn't add up........ While sitting in the parking lot of Kroger it hit me.  The way I felt about my family and loved ones were the exact words S had been telling me.  I remember a conversation that we had in which he said these very words to me, "I don't care about a lot of things that other people do care about.......don't know why I just don't. I love you but I can't show you love the way you want me to".  It hit me, what he does to me is exactly how I treat others.  I say I miss my family and wish I had some close yet can go months/years without talking to them and could care less what is going on in their life.  Why? Why do I stay away yet claim to miss so?  This led me to do further research.  Of course at this moment I'm now wondering am I Narcissistic........but the more I read I then found out I'm indeed Borderline...............  Most men are Narcissistic and are attracted to women who are Borderline.  I have drawn attraction from men for a very long time, charming, can appeal to any man, it's in my nature. I gravitate to broken men.....I fix broken men.  I realized today why when I meet a safe guy I'm turned off, safe terrifies me.  My husband was safe - I gave him hell - and then God took  him away from me.  I freaked because the enemy that I saw in S I now saw in myself.  This was never about him.....readings say that most Narcissistic Men will never realize themselves, some grow out of it and some don't but takes a hit like I experienced to see it.  I freaked because it felt like a curtain had come up on my life and I no longer knew the woman I thought I was.  In reading it says the condition stems from the mother for both boys and girls at a young age.  Attention that is missed as a child is now thrived on and pretty pictures or painted for the world to see.  This blog probably outlines more of my life than any person I actually speak to.....some of the things here would taint me.

I got my plant because I thought it would help me heal from him but I now realize my plant will help me heal from me....... I know how my condition started.  My mother's mental illness didn't allow her to give the attention I needed as a child, her supportive side was missing because she suffered with her own issues.  She now does better now that she understands herself but in talking to her on yesterday I think she will now see the extent of how it has effected her 6 children.

I feel drained.  I woke with another revelation in regards to how I've treated my manager, to only be remorseful the next day, and also how I've treated my kids, now terrified of them going thru the same once they become adults.  It was said that in today's society Narcissism is heightened......we all want things now and feel entitlement.  Social Sites help us paint pretty pictures of ourselves when we are hell on wheels.  I was a late bloomer with watching Scandal, no cable and just had never came across it.  I remember the first time watching it and being hooked lol  A friend said that I was driven like Olivia........but then another friend came back and said I was just like Olivia.  I'm a fixer.  I'm drawn to men that need fixing.  Of course I didn't see it that way, just felt the attractions. I always equated me moving on because I can just leave men like that but it's not actually the case.  Ex. I have a friend that I was so attached to.  We talked on yesterday and I asked him if he realized that when he was going thru hell with his job, yet didn't want me I was so engulfed with him.......then a couple of years later he took me to dinner and professed wanting to date and how things had changed in his life.  I was no longer attracted to him, stopped answering his calls and communicating - cut off.  He didn't need fixing and the thought of him actually being right to love me now terrified me.

I feel like I was praying and asking God to show me, show me, show me!  And in the parking lot of Kroger he lifted the curtains so I could see it all.......... We couldn't leave each other because our controlling personalities attract each other and thrive off the chaos that we cause. My control comes from seduction, which a lot of times I don't even know I'm doing (Men: I love your voice, your walk, something about you........they're right - something about me).

I'm still gonna work with my plant.  I had planted my seeds but my friend bought me an actual plant.  He said that if I neglect it the plant will show much faster. Everyone says it's such a beautiful plant, like when they say I'm a beautiful person...... I don't see it, it's just a plant, but I guess that's the point. Can I grow to love and take care of this plant like I think I love and take care of these men?

This link explains what I've been going thru since my husband passed (maybe even before) and my exact life this past year and trying to change........ http://gettinbetter.com/dance.html

~Peace & Blessings~

Updates........

This is an update from my New Years Blog and Goals that I would like to accomplish for 2013........  Still having some challenges when it comes to S............*hangs head*

Below is a list of things I would like to accomplish throughout the year.......

1. Daniel Fast  - Completed 01/2013
2. "The Purpose Driven Life" - Still needing to get caught up!
3. Date Night / Girls Night Out Monthly - Poetry Night (Jan.) Superbowl Party (Feb.) House Party (tonight :-)
4. Dating with no attachments - So tried to step out of the box and give my number to a gentlemen I met........smh.......He hit me the very next day but conversation went south when he referred to me as a "Sweet Tendoroni" and then when I asked if he were involved he stated that I would be his next "Boo"............................................................................................ 39 yrs old :-/
*sighs*
5. Abstinence - Failed the 6 months......but have decided to start with Lent (40 days) and go from there.
6. PhD Program - Application is complete!  Now awaiting for funds to take the GRE Exam.
7. 52 Week Money  Challenge - Had to let this go for first couple months being behind already but will be caught up in the month of March :-) 
8. NO Chemicals or Heat on hair for at least the next 6 months - Braids are still in. Taking down between now and end of month and then will have more pictures so that I'm able to create Post for Hair :-)
9. I will commit to Yoga daily - Hit and miss some days but for the most past have been getting in weekly
10. Cancun or Miami in June (Girlfriends Bday) - First payment due March 1st!
11. Myrtle Beach in August (First Family Reunion) - Family isn't responding as we would like so...........will see........
12. California in December! - Still in the making......

13. Church Participation (Choir, Youth, etc.) - Need to do better!

14. CASA Appointment - Completed Feb. 11th, 2013!!

15. Obtain a Passport - Awaiting Tax Refund to accomplish

16. No Overdraft fee's for the year - Bombed - Rough first couple months.....but hopefully no more starting with March.

17. More toning with weights - Awesome!!!  Picture ---->

18. Six Flags Fiesta Texas / Daughter's bday - Awaiting Tax Refund

19. Mosaic Women's Course - I did decide to let this go for now. May revisit later in the year.

20. Monthly FunDay with kids - Missed Jan. but tomorrow taking them to the Jam Session for All Star!!

21. Take more baths than showers - Need to do better........

22. Blog about every single one of these items - Coming along..........

23. Delta Sigma Theta Centennial Celebration - Still up in the air........

Well there it is.........upset that I've allowed myself to carry something (someone) over into the New Year that I said I wouldn't so praying that can break the bad habit - SOON.

~Peace & Blessings~

It's the Weekend!

So a little update with my goals below.....thinking I'll start copying and pasting the list when I get one knocked off or to list updates...... Here we go....

1. Daniel Fast (1/24/13) - Finished on yesterday. Towards the last week I fell off.  Kept the sweets and alcohol away (minus bday), and even the bread, but when I got down to the meat it got a little tough :-(

2. Reading "The Purpose Driven Life" - Have fallen off by a couple days but still on it!
3. I commit to at least one date night or Girls Night Out Monthly - Next night out will be Feb. 2nd when I attend the TSU Vs. PV Basketball Game ;-)  I printed out some calendars from Outlook and basically have something to attend every month!
4. This year I will date without any attachments - Haven't been on a date yet but so far so good.

5. Celibacy Abstinence - No comment smh *giggles*sighs*

6. Begin PhD Program, or at least the Research pre-requisite class - Still working on
7.52 Week Money  Challenge - Had to dip for gas but will put back with pay next month.

8. NO Chemicals or Heat on hair for at least the next 6 months - Braided up!

9. I will commit to Yoga daily - On it!
10. Cancun or Miami in June (Girlfriends Bday) - Decided to stick with Cancun and have been searching flights ;-)
11. Myrtle Beach in August (First Family Reunion) - Hotel and dates finalized, purchasing next month.
12. California in December! - Will revisit towards the summer months

13. Church Participation - Have been fulfilling #19 so think will merge the two.

14. CASA Appointment - Two more classes and Sworn in on Feb. 11th!!
15. Obtain a Passport - Hoping to have by March

16. No Overdraft fee's for the year - Unfortunately I was unable to keep this goal......towards the end of the month it is pretty rough and needed gas to get back and forth to work *sighs*
17. I would like to workout more with weights as to tone my body - Found awesome video's with Tone It Up Blog that helps me stay on this!  Now doing 2-a-days :-)
18. Six Flags Fiesta Texas for my daughters bday - Have priced all expenses and it's a go!
19. Complete a Mosaic Women's Course at our church - So far so good.....15 more weeks in completion should be in May.

20. Have a least one fun day with my children Monthly - My son has been gone every weekend this month!  He likes to skateboard and be with his friends......but my daughter and I have had some nice outings at the Mall and even took some pics in the little Photo Booth *huge smiles*
21. Take more baths than showers - Need to stick to Wed. / Thurs. for starters but have taken one or two so far this year.....
22. Blog about every single one of these items (hopefully attaching some pics here and there).....helping me to Blog more :-) - I think I've been doing pretty good with this.  I don't have Internet at home so I don't Blog as much on the weekend.
23. Delta Sigma Theta Centennial Celebration - This is still up in the air......we'll see.

So there's my update.  Maybe I'll update the last Friday of every month :-)

Also, I've finally changed my name on Social Sites and even added a new Profile Pic *below* ;-)

Have an awesome weekend!!!

~Peace & Blessings~

Shaky Ground......

Two days later and S is actually surprising me...... I've been allowing him to contact me first, whether it be a phone call or text (while I realize it's mostly text and that's just how he operates), and I enjoy it.  We're not holding the phone listening to dead air and are actually having good conversations.  He's deciding on starting career or going into Grad School, I of course pursuing Doctorate.  Buuuuut I must admit, my lil conscience that's sitting on my left should has her lips pierced together, rolling her eyes like chick it's only been two days please.... that ninja is gonna show out again smh lol  I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.  I was hesistant but asked him on yesterday why now?  Why in such a short period you now want to decide to "behave"?  He simply responded "Because I want to...." MEN....... Either way I said I would allow his actions to show me more than his words and right now he gets an A for effort.

In other news..... I got a Gold Card from Starbucks in the mail (that's when you know it's real lol)  Yes I am a Starbucks Junky! smh  But recently with this change in lifestyle, diet, etc., I've actually laid off coffee.  Very proud of myself and now get their Green Tea Latte's :-) 

Christmas..... This time of the year is an exciting time but also one that saddens me.  I haven't spent a Holiday with any of my blood (besides children) in 9 years now.  My mother, father, are all in California and I miss them dearly.  I have my god-mother that I try to visit but she's about 6 hours away and while I was trying to make that trip this Season my funds will not cover....I struggle just trying to get back and forth to work weekly so.  Summer of 2011 I was out of work and bills got so far behind that I am still trying to play catch up.... Then last Christmas my car went out which I was finally forced to have a car note.  Now don't get my wrong I'm not complaining but this is where we are right now.  I'm thankful, we have shelter, some food, lights, heat, and I have a close girlfriend that will be cooking in which we will be at her house for Christmas day but I pray and will be planning to do better next year.  Have even contemplated taking my tax return and buying our tickets early in the year so that we're already set for the trip.  I'm also thankful that my children are not spoiled brats, expecting everything, they are grateful and understand that I just can't go all out like that.  I will sacrifice a bill and set aside something for them though because that's just me but feel as long as our main items are taken care of we will be fine.

We have each other and that's all that matters because some don't even have that......

~Peace & Blessings~

Finally......

It's the weekend!!!

I have been awaiting this day, like millions of others of course, but today we leave to travel to Dallas, TX :-)  This weekend my job plays my Alma Mater in football and they both have a losing streek smh.....  Debating my school at work is like debating politics and religion therefor I stay away from it as much as possible lol

Any who, excited!  Excited to get away for a bit, even if for a weekend.   Excited about visiting the State Fair and just enjoying my babies :-)  I hadn't written in a bit but forgot to mention that I am now the proud owner of a 2010 Champagne Nissan Altima and have been loving every ride!  Before our rides out of town, while exciting, were very HOT!  I owned a '98 Ford Escort, no air, stick shift (which I loved) but after awhile the tape deck (yes tape deck) went out and we weren't even able to plug our iPod up anymore for music......making trips very boring.  All of that is in the past :-)  I thank God for my old Betsy.....she got me many places....many states and most importantly through school and lasted even with starting my new career.  I must say we've truly been blessed.....

I hope that you have a wonderful weekend....remember to relax and take time to enjoy quietness and peace.

It's a beautiful thing ;-)

~Peace & Blessings~