Updates........

This is an update from my New Years Blog and Goals that I would like to accomplish for 2013........  Still having some challenges when it comes to S............*hangs head*

Below is a list of things I would like to accomplish throughout the year.......

1. Daniel Fast  - Completed 01/2013
2. "The Purpose Driven Life" - Still needing to get caught up!
3. Date Night / Girls Night Out Monthly - Poetry Night (Jan.) Superbowl Party (Feb.) House Party (tonight :-)
4. Dating with no attachments - So tried to step out of the box and give my number to a gentlemen I met........smh.......He hit me the very next day but conversation went south when he referred to me as a "Sweet Tendoroni" and then when I asked if he were involved he stated that I would be his next "Boo"............................................................................................ 39 yrs old :-/
*sighs*
5. Abstinence - Failed the 6 months......but have decided to start with Lent (40 days) and go from there.
6. PhD Program - Application is complete!  Now awaiting for funds to take the GRE Exam.
7. 52 Week Money  Challenge - Had to let this go for first couple months being behind already but will be caught up in the month of March :-) 
8. NO Chemicals or Heat on hair for at least the next 6 months - Braids are still in. Taking down between now and end of month and then will have more pictures so that I'm able to create Post for Hair :-)
9. I will commit to Yoga daily - Hit and miss some days but for the most past have been getting in weekly
10. Cancun or Miami in June (Girlfriends Bday) - First payment due March 1st!
11. Myrtle Beach in August (First Family Reunion) - Family isn't responding as we would like so...........will see........
12. California in December! - Still in the making......

13. Church Participation (Choir, Youth, etc.) - Need to do better!

14. CASA Appointment - Completed Feb. 11th, 2013!!

15. Obtain a Passport - Awaiting Tax Refund to accomplish

16. No Overdraft fee's for the year - Bombed - Rough first couple months.....but hopefully no more starting with March.

17. More toning with weights - Awesome!!!  Picture ---->

18. Six Flags Fiesta Texas / Daughter's bday - Awaiting Tax Refund

19. Mosaic Women's Course - I did decide to let this go for now. May revisit later in the year.

20. Monthly FunDay with kids - Missed Jan. but tomorrow taking them to the Jam Session for All Star!!

21. Take more baths than showers - Need to do better........

22. Blog about every single one of these items - Coming along..........

23. Delta Sigma Theta Centennial Celebration - Still up in the air........

Well there it is.........upset that I've allowed myself to carry something (someone) over into the New Year that I said I wouldn't so praying that can break the bad habit - SOON.

~Peace & Blessings~

It's the Weekend!

So a little update with my goals below.....thinking I'll start copying and pasting the list when I get one knocked off or to list updates...... Here we go....

1. Daniel Fast (1/24/13) - Finished on yesterday. Towards the last week I fell off.  Kept the sweets and alcohol away (minus bday), and even the bread, but when I got down to the meat it got a little tough :-(

2. Reading "The Purpose Driven Life" - Have fallen off by a couple days but still on it!
3. I commit to at least one date night or Girls Night Out Monthly - Next night out will be Feb. 2nd when I attend the TSU Vs. PV Basketball Game ;-)  I printed out some calendars from Outlook and basically have something to attend every month!
4. This year I will date without any attachments - Haven't been on a date yet but so far so good.

5. Celibacy Abstinence - No comment smh *giggles*sighs*

6. Begin PhD Program, or at least the Research pre-requisite class - Still working on
7.52 Week Money  Challenge - Had to dip for gas but will put back with pay next month.

8. NO Chemicals or Heat on hair for at least the next 6 months - Braided up!

9. I will commit to Yoga daily - On it!
10. Cancun or Miami in June (Girlfriends Bday) - Decided to stick with Cancun and have been searching flights ;-)
11. Myrtle Beach in August (First Family Reunion) - Hotel and dates finalized, purchasing next month.
12. California in December! - Will revisit towards the summer months

13. Church Participation - Have been fulfilling #19 so think will merge the two.

14. CASA Appointment - Two more classes and Sworn in on Feb. 11th!!
15. Obtain a Passport - Hoping to have by March

16. No Overdraft fee's for the year - Unfortunately I was unable to keep this goal......towards the end of the month it is pretty rough and needed gas to get back and forth to work *sighs*
17. I would like to workout more with weights as to tone my body - Found awesome video's with Tone It Up Blog that helps me stay on this!  Now doing 2-a-days :-)
18. Six Flags Fiesta Texas for my daughters bday - Have priced all expenses and it's a go!
19. Complete a Mosaic Women's Course at our church - So far so good.....15 more weeks in completion should be in May.

20. Have a least one fun day with my children Monthly - My son has been gone every weekend this month!  He likes to skateboard and be with his friends......but my daughter and I have had some nice outings at the Mall and even took some pics in the little Photo Booth *huge smiles*
21. Take more baths than showers - Need to stick to Wed. / Thurs. for starters but have taken one or two so far this year.....
22. Blog about every single one of these items (hopefully attaching some pics here and there).....helping me to Blog more :-) - I think I've been doing pretty good with this.  I don't have Internet at home so I don't Blog as much on the weekend.
23. Delta Sigma Theta Centennial Celebration - This is still up in the air......we'll see.

So there's my update.  Maybe I'll update the last Friday of every month :-)

Also, I've finally changed my name on Social Sites and even added a new Profile Pic *below* ;-)

Have an awesome weekend!!!

~Peace & Blessings~

Just let me go.......

So once again S and I have had this same, drawn out conversation.  I finally just asked him "What do you want from me?".  He made his way to DC for the Inauguration of our great President Obama's 2nd term, yet couldn't make his way to my Birthday Dinner......excuse given was because of money.  While I understand this, money was not needed.... and his presence was all that I longed for.  He had some excuse for not seeing me before he left and then didn't leave when he said he was.  I hadn't heard from him (minus small text here and there) and then wanted to talk on Monday.  I asked him why?  You can go a day or two without talking to me why do you want to talk now?  Why do you want to ask what my short-term goals are?  Why won't you just let me go!?!!??  I didn't mean to snap but it's like we have these little breaks, I focus my mind on other things, get him out of my system, and then he comes back.  To lay down with him and then have to constantly remind myself that it's nothing more than awesome deep passionate sex is a lot.  His response was "To love me".  I love him.......but loving him hurts.  A couple of weeks ago I finally listened to the lyrics of a song sung by Lauryn Hill that I've often heard but never really "listened" to......."felt like I could've wrote the lyrics myself.  He's having a hard time letting me go so it's up to me to help him.  *Responsibility*

"It could all be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard.

Loving you is like a battle, and we both end up with scars.

Tell me who I have to be, to get some reciprocity.

See no one loves you more than me, and no one ever will.

Is this just a silly game that forces you to act this way….

Forces you to scream my name, and then pretend that you can’t stay. 

Tell me who I have to be, to get some reciprocity. 

See no one loves you more than me, and no one ever will.

No matter how I think we’ve grown you always seem to let me know, it ain’t working…..

And when I try to walk away you hurt yourself to make me stay, this is crazy.

I keep letting you back in, how can I explain myself.

As painful as this thing has been, I just can’t be with no one else.

See I know what we go to do, you let go and I’ll let go too. 

‘Cause no one’s hurt me more than you……..and no one’s ever will.

I've decided to stick with the Cancun Trip......will give me more motivation to get on my workouts and tone up ;-)  Also, thanks to my friend's constant reminder of me being a "good catch", I'm looking forward to getting out and being "caught" ;-)

OAN: I would like to add a Strip Tease Class to my goals for the year...................yep *giggles*

~Peace & Blessings~

That moment.......

In 1971 "The Persuaders" had a number 1 hit "Thin Line Between Love and Hate".  I head this song growing up and as with many songs as I child never understood their true meaning and would just sing along.  

In 1998 a famous lyricist R Kelly also had a number 1 hit "When A Woman's Fed Up"..........He said "It's like running out of love.......and it's too late to talk about it".  In 2002 he gave us "A Woman's Threat" .....speaking of how another will enjoy all the pleasures you once had with that woman if you don't act right....

Last night for the first time I had a moment.......I dropped so many F Bomb's and for those that know me know that I rarely curse and it takes a lot for me to reach that point of pesstivity (no it's not an actual word but is for me).  After work I decided to take S a sandwich.  He had been sick in which I admit I didn't believe at first.  But just this last weekend after having a very fun conversation I asked him what I thought was a simple question, "What's the longest you've gone without sex?".  Since our discussion Christmas  I completely let things go, been in my word day and night, praying, just focused on other things.  There was no trap, no underlying motive, was simply asking my friend how long he's ever gone without sex, being I am embarking on Abstinence myself.  Well in his eyes this was a set up.  His first reply was 13 years when he was a virgin in which I responded "Wow......not even a week with us lol  You know what I mean punk! lol"  His second reply was that he was getting upset and would shut down.  I became confused as to how my simple question (to me) could cause him to become so upset.  The text went from that to him ignoring me after telling me he was lending his bedroom to some other girls and was all down heel from there. 

So.....during my visit on yesterday his exact words for explanation were "I know you and it would've been an argument".  Me, being dumbfounded, tried to plea my case, tell him that wasn't true, to please listen, and he then tells me that he's tired of listening to me. ??  That he's been listening to me for the past year and a half and that I need to "shut up and listen".  He had company over that was sitting outside with us and then went inside.....all while he was reading every message I had sent him.  I felt humiliated, embarrassed, hurt.  There was this look in his eyes like he was so disgusted with me....will never forget it.....and here I was bringing him something to eat looking stupid. 

The moment when the love that you had for someone turns into hate.......

I got in my car and the tears begin to come.  I had held them back during the ordeal but could no longer contain them.  My tears turned into a loud cry, I felt so much pain...........my stomach, my head, just a lot............and then that pain turned into anger......rage......."Fuck this!"  "Fuck THIS! I don't deserve this".  And then came..........."Fuck him.....Fuck Him......Fuck HIM!"  This then became "I hate him......"  Yep............ I later asked God for forgiveness of course but at that moment....................................it felt so good.

~Peace & Blessings~

PS: Then I get a text this morning "Good morning beautiful" as if nothing has happened at all.  Done.

First Night Out....

Goal 1 & 3 - Fasting & Getting out:

So I made it out last night!  Was invited to a Poetry Event for a frat brothers birthday, loved it!  I use to attend poetry events all the time until my car (and about 10 others) car windows were broken in the downtown area.  Let's just say that was my last time doing anything downtown after hours.  On to the event, it was FREE, the poets were awesome, and to my surprise they called for all those with Birthdays to come on stage.  We get up there and the MC announces Patron shots for EVERYONE!  I fall out laughing because 1. I'M FASTING (Please refer to New Years post regarding this smh), 2. I am a lightweight so I know in the words of Kevin Hart........It's....about.....to.......go.......down........lol  End result, I broke my fast for one shot *sighs*

Oh well back on it today lol

Goal 4 & 5 - Dating Life:

S hit me up again after the pic, etc.  Was so tempted to visit..........was having some serious PT's (pu**y throbbing's), but I'm proud that I didn't give in.  The next day he hit me up and we were having a cool conversation, and then he mentioned how some Soror's wanted to stay at his house because they were attending a party and didn't want to drive all the way home :-/ *coughs BS*  My attitude immediately went left and I found myself trying to put myself back in check.  This happened on Saturday night and not to my surprise of course he didn't hit me up Sunday.  I wake Monday morning to a text at 5 something saying "I'm sorry I didn't communicate but I've been in the ER, was coughing up blood."  I simply responded that although he saw/read all my messages he never once mentioned, and then I wasn't worth informing of such a serious matter :-/  I couldn't sleep, was tired after I got in from the Poetry Event but then couldn't rest so just began to pray.  I asked God to help me take my emotions out of the situation.  I realize when I'm not trippin' about his life, what's going on, I do so much better.  I never should've gotten upset about his space, who was gonna be in his space nor the silence the next day.  That is not MY RESPONSIBILITY......(my focus word for the year). I ended my text with ok - hope you feel better and let it be.  I have things I need to focus on and him nor his sickness should be a priority.  Sorry to feel heartless but that's just how I need to be for now. 

Goal 7 - Savings:

I changed this goal to the 52 Week Money Challenge.  After reviewing my budget and things I need to pay on saving $500 a month would be a stretch so will stick with the challenge which seems a little more attainable.

Goal 23 - Delta Sigma Theta Centennial Celebration:

So yes indeed my Soror's have already gotten a room on lock for us! lol It's going down......smh  I have added this goal to my list because would really like to attend and be there for this monumental moment :-) 

That's all I want to update on for now........tired from the sleepless night and just praying this day goes by FAST!  Hope you had a wonderful weekend!

What are some goals you're interested in accomplishing this year?

~Peace & Blessings~

My nervousness........that shot was a LOT!

I got this......lol

Bottoms Up!  :-)

Updates.....

So I decided to look up some blogs or video's on being Celibate and found out that is actually NOT what I'm doing lol.  Upon researching I found out that the words Celibacy and Abstinence have been used interchangeably but they actually have different meanings. The differences are listed here.....but basically Celibacy is due to some vow being taken for often religious beliefs where as Abstinence is with some period of time.  Let me explain.....I am a very sexual creature.  My mind probably thinks about sex as much as a male does *hangs head* but even in Day 3 when a thought crosses my mind I remind myself of the pain I have felt with each and every relationship failing and I squeeze my legs tighter.............or think of the Rabbit I tossed away :-/ lol  *just being real*

Also, I'd like to add the 52 Week Money Challenge to my list of goals :-)  Came across this on a friends Facebook page and think it would be a nice challenge.  I always have a hard time providing for my children during the Holiday Season and while we (my children and I) are aware it is not about gifts, etc., would still like this to be a part of our family tradition.

Well those are my updates.  Haven't decided exactly how I will post regarding my goals, weekly, MWF, etc., but will figure it out as I go along. 

~Peace & Blessings~

Challenges......

Had a wonderful weekend....my son had a Holiday Concert which is always really nice.  My daughter sung in the choir the past 2 years and then my son decided this last year to take the class.  Afterwards we took a family photo by the huge Christmas tree in the foyer, went to Walgreen's the next day and had printed on Holiday Cards *huge smile because was a really cheap gift to send our family which they will enjoy a lot*.

Sooooo on to this weekend....... S has been doing awesome with the communicating and reaching out but of course me and my spoiled self want more.  I realize that since our talk (and Jupiter visit) he has not actually picked up the phone to call me....... :-/  I wait......responding to messages.....wait.....got out the house with my girlfriend just to catch up with her and then........I let the texts roll.  I told him that while I appreciated the messages recently that I still would like to hear his voice.  He called and was like "You will not be happy until I just get a damn ring will you"?.  Well.....basically yea lol  But all jokes aside he told me that texting his is form of communication, that he doesn't like being on the phone caking all day, and that as long as he knows I'm good (knows where I am) he's good but that he doesn't understand the need to keep reassuring me that he's "Behaving".  I told him that this change has just occurred within the last week!  Granted I decided to let the past be the past and give him a chance to prove differently but I'm sorry if in the back of my mind I still have moments awaiting his phuck up.  Was talking to my co-worker and he expressed how he went through some things with his GF and it seems to me that when men apologize and are attempting to make amends after their mishaps we're to just "Wa La" be back on the smooth sailing trust ship.  Granted I don't condone checking phones etc., but if that's where she discovered your infidelity then that may be what she needs to rebuild trust....... IDK  I told S that I didn't need to check his e-mail, facebook, nothing because all I wanted to do was validate my feelings (in which he repeatedly told me I was trippin') and have physical evidence in which I ended up retrieving.....there's nothing more that could be done at this point (well maybe someone being pregnant......). 

Moving on..... He stated that he was tired of saying the same things and I just apologized that it's not that easy for me but I hope that he see's I'm making progress.  I wait to actually talk to him and not go on texts fits and unlike him I didn't blow his phone up after realizing he again did not call me.  He then surprised me and asked if I wanted to go eat and to a movie.  AND even mentioned staying the night.  Now this is a shocker because 1. I have to be up super early for work and he has nothing to do since classes are out. 2. We've spent a lot of time with each other these past couple weeks.  I'm not complaining, very appreciative, but of course wondering why STILL.  We go to see "Red Dawn" (awesome by the way), have dinner, and then back to my place.  While he's in the room I go into the kitchen to get some water and AMBUSH.......................................................................................from the counter, to being bent over the couch, to the bed.............................................................................smh  I don't know what got over him but MAN.......last night was straight phu*king...... *giggles*  Well there was a mixture I'll be honest, it's just us, but hard to explain the level of passion we feel it's just......................................................................*sighs*

Anyway once finished we talked........... I mean talked........this past couple talks have been really deep.  A friend led me to ask him about being emotionally detached.  On the phone he first stated that that was not the case, he loves me, in love with me, and very attached.  But then as we talked he began to open up more and more about his actions with these girls.  I knew he had been hurt in the past (Fiance' cheated and ended up pregnant by another guy) but I never realized the extent and damage it could do to a man.  I asked him how he could love me so yet be with another woman and he told me straight up "You're not gonna like what I'm about to say....are you sure you wanna know?"  "I care about you, love you, but enjoy the company of women point blank.  I could take my feelings for you, box them up and sit to the side.  I get to know women, different things you all like, how you operate, and yes I'm guilty, but I could give 2 phucks about how they feel, how their day is going, anything.  After past hurt I told myself I wouldn't allow that sh*t to happen to me again and that the woman that wanted me I would have to know without a shadow of doubt truly did love me".  By this time I'm looking dumbfounded........  I asked him but why keep me around but change out females so much, rotating ???  He said because unlike them I was a challenge (?).... "Do you know how many of these chicks be in my face telling me they love me, wanna have my baby, need me in their life?  I'm sure they be telling other dudes the same thing".  But this is when I asked him but how do you know..........how do you know they don't actually mean it?  He broke down the cycle and as torn as I was I listened because again he was really opening up and I wanted to know inside of his head.  He said, "Yes I enjoy meeting women, first couple of days conversation is cool, you talk, get to know each other, but then you realize this isn't what I want and they start falling by the way side.  They start texting the same 'You don't call me, you don't make time', and they're right I don't.  One woman I have made sure I make time for and keep is you."  But I then asked him if he realized that I was one of them women.......like I've really been proving my damn love. *sighs* I then asked him again why now........why such the epiphany.  He responded "Because after you blocked me and shut down I realized that I could lose you.  You have been here for me through a lot sh*t, through all the hurt you're still here and I realized I may actually lose you and I can't see you not being in my life".  He admitted to being emotionally detached, broke down difference between where we are now and what it would mean to actually be in a relationship.......calls for no reason, breakfast/lunch, etc., he just started listing things and I asked him "Do you realize you do some of those things now?"  This very conversation reminded me of a friend that I have, was 45 at the time, found out he was in a relationship (moved past all that, they're married and now talk to him like a big brother every now and then) anyway he confided in me that he didn't realize he was in a relationship until a year or 2.......he realized that he was doing all the things yet saying he wanted none of it (parking lot pimping Kappa smh lol) But S's words made me think back on this.  He says he's not "there" yet, yes he loves me, yes he wants to be monogamous, yes he is DONE playing, yet I'm like so all that's missing is a title...........?  He enjoys our time, want to have more of it, nervous about stepping into a Step Father role because he grew up with his father, he didn't have his physical mother but his dad took him and raised him so he told me he needs help in that area. "I need Step Father for the Dummy".  Only thing is how can I help him if I don't know myself........ :-(  It would all be new to us.  Difference is my children are older, they're teens, they've been raised (minus little life lessons to now experience).  I have no idea how this should go.......

Anyway, think I've written enough.  Oh.......of course after 2-3 hours of talking, expressing, opening up about who all we've been with this past time period, we ended up at it again smh  4 am.......I.....AM......SO......TIRED......
One thing we do have on point is our sex.....mind blowing, hair pulling, "body folding" as one of my readers would say *giggles*....... Now if his actions will continue to align with what he's conveyed recently.......................

~Peace & Blessings~

Jupiter Love.......

So yesterday my dress attire was as follows.......  ---->

Knee high heel black boots

Black fishnet tights (hard to see here)

Black pencil skirt

Red short sleeve turtleneck (fitting)

Now......going back to yesterdays post, when S walked in office initially I was like here we go again not prepared to hear anything that rolled off his tongue.  But after our extensive talk I finally rised from the desk in which he saw what he saw and I therefor saw this look of "If only her office was secluded........" smh.  He had asked if I would come over so we could finish talking, at that point he had asked me about my birthday, asking about going on a date for the 21st (In which still in my attitude I told him to send me a calendar invite so I know it's real :-/  ), and then onto my budget - what I should do to help me get back on track and caught up with things, etc., I was like wow.....like why is he so concerned with where my finances are? How I'm getting along?  Anyway, at this point he reinterates this visit again and brings up Batman.   Of COURSE I want to see Batman, I love Batman, but I also know us....so immediately I tell myself under NO circumstances do the boots, hell even scarf come off because I will fail my Leprechaun duty.

Well................................yea..............................................it went down.  Now we've had angry, tearing clothes off, pulling hair, scratching (my nails), and recently biting (I bit a hole in his lip couple weeks ago smh) sex before, but this............................................this was different.  Felt so emotional - so caught up on another level - and even while starting I was pushing him away - and then they started.........the tears (how embarrassing :-(  ) But tears begin to well up, and he just looked me in my eyes mid-stroke and was like I'm sorry, I'm sorry for hurting you, all the bull sh*t, I love you, I really do love you, and I just muttled that I didn't want to fight anymore.  He just was like "I'll behave".  Now.........as emotional and caught up and good that peen felt in the back of my mind I was saying shut up.  And then he said what I was thinking lol

But all jokes aside, the only thing that will tell me he's ready is his actions.  He was right, the first time I stepped out I did cry.....I felt guilty.....I showered and asked the guy to leave.  And he was right, it occured more than once but the difference was I always had him in my head which resulted in wishing I had just went running and had a V8.  He on the other hand, he said he dealt with one of the girls for 4 months!  Something kept him seeing her and then ultimately ending things.  I don't know......don't know about the flood of emotions that occured.  I've felt it before but never the tears.  If he did it now what will stop him later?  Can he be faithful?  In his head since we're not "traditional" (whatever) is that how he see's and rationalize things?  I wanted to press exactly what "I'll behave" meant but felt like it was an understood moment........then said hell nah I need clarfication because as a young child was taught "when you assume you make an arse of yourself".  He started with the communication part, answering.....then just said "behave".

Life........one day at a time.

~Peace & Blessings~