Friday!

Ok first on my mind is how much time I take to think of a title to name my post........I really dislike that lol I just want to write! 

Anyway, got my relaxing hot bath in last night!!!  My son was out skateboarding with his friend and my daughter was at a Volleyball practice with her friend so I got in so fast lol  PEACE & QUIET!  Had wanted to take a picture but totally forgot so may have a surprise later on...... ;-)

Got an enexpected call last night........from you guessed it....S.  Was shocked (kinda) but he said he was just calling to see how I was.  We talked about dogs because I want to get one, the different types and his breeding experience.  I appreciated the call but kept my cool, it's just a call from a friend.  Buuuuuuut then this morning I received a surprising text.........it was a very explicit pic that I had sent him a very long time ago.  The words read "I miss it!!!  Daaaaaaaamn why did you leave me?!!!"  :-/ No response needed but I first sent that I was shocked he even had because didn't think he kept them or even cared.  I then sent that I didn't leave him......... But we both knew he was kidding so.....

Moving on....... Had my CASA Interview today....excited that I was accepted!  Dislike the Monday-Thursday-Saturday training schedule but only have to do 2 each and this is something I've been wanting to do for a long time so......

Getting my hair braided on tomorrow.....Love my braids...my favorite protective style and has helped my hair grow so much over the past 6 months.  Not to mention less time in the morning #Winning....

 

To the right you will see what I brought for lunch today. 

Was reading some information on top foods for healthy hair by

WebMD.  Today I have some blueberries, bananas, strawberries

and walnuts.  I have a co-worker that knows what my rump

looked like before all the stress this past summer and in his

opinion I should be eating real food before doing any fast lol

Oh well.......have gotten use to less meat and better choices. 

Now with this I realize I am not a big fan of the blueberries fresh like this :-( so instead of leaving be will just add to my morning Chobani Greek Yogurt for now :-)

So for a little eye candy.... I love fishnet stockings and decided to wear a pair since had to dress on Friday due to interview soooooooo enjoy!

~Peace & Blessings~

Updates.....

So I decided to look up some blogs or video's on being Celibate and found out that is actually NOT what I'm doing lol.  Upon researching I found out that the words Celibacy and Abstinence have been used interchangeably but they actually have different meanings. The differences are listed here.....but basically Celibacy is due to some vow being taken for often religious beliefs where as Abstinence is with some period of time.  Let me explain.....I am a very sexual creature.  My mind probably thinks about sex as much as a male does *hangs head* but even in Day 3 when a thought crosses my mind I remind myself of the pain I have felt with each and every relationship failing and I squeeze my legs tighter.............or think of the Rabbit I tossed away :-/ lol  *just being real*

Also, I'd like to add the 52 Week Money Challenge to my list of goals :-)  Came across this on a friends Facebook page and think it would be a nice challenge.  I always have a hard time providing for my children during the Holiday Season and while we (my children and I) are aware it is not about gifts, etc., would still like this to be a part of our family tradition.

Well those are my updates.  Haven't decided exactly how I will post regarding my goals, weekly, MWF, etc., but will figure it out as I go along. 

~Peace & Blessings~

Jupiter Love.......

So yesterday my dress attire was as follows.......  ---->

Knee high heel black boots

Black fishnet tights (hard to see here)

Black pencil skirt

Red short sleeve turtleneck (fitting)

Now......going back to yesterdays post, when S walked in office initially I was like here we go again not prepared to hear anything that rolled off his tongue.  But after our extensive talk I finally rised from the desk in which he saw what he saw and I therefor saw this look of "If only her office was secluded........" smh.  He had asked if I would come over so we could finish talking, at that point he had asked me about my birthday, asking about going on a date for the 21st (In which still in my attitude I told him to send me a calendar invite so I know it's real :-/  ), and then onto my budget - what I should do to help me get back on track and caught up with things, etc., I was like wow.....like why is he so concerned with where my finances are? How I'm getting along?  Anyway, at this point he reinterates this visit again and brings up Batman.   Of COURSE I want to see Batman, I love Batman, but I also know us....so immediately I tell myself under NO circumstances do the boots, hell even scarf come off because I will fail my Leprechaun duty.

Well................................yea..............................................it went down.  Now we've had angry, tearing clothes off, pulling hair, scratching (my nails), and recently biting (I bit a hole in his lip couple weeks ago smh) sex before, but this............................................this was different.  Felt so emotional - so caught up on another level - and even while starting I was pushing him away - and then they started.........the tears (how embarrassing :-(  ) But tears begin to well up, and he just looked me in my eyes mid-stroke and was like I'm sorry, I'm sorry for hurting you, all the bull sh*t, I love you, I really do love you, and I just muttled that I didn't want to fight anymore.  He just was like "I'll behave".  Now.........as emotional and caught up and good that peen felt in the back of my mind I was saying shut up.  And then he said what I was thinking lol

But all jokes aside, the only thing that will tell me he's ready is his actions.  He was right, the first time I stepped out I did cry.....I felt guilty.....I showered and asked the guy to leave.  And he was right, it occured more than once but the difference was I always had him in my head which resulted in wishing I had just went running and had a V8.  He on the other hand, he said he dealt with one of the girls for 4 months!  Something kept him seeing her and then ultimately ending things.  I don't know......don't know about the flood of emotions that occured.  I've felt it before but never the tears.  If he did it now what will stop him later?  Can he be faithful?  In his head since we're not "traditional" (whatever) is that how he see's and rationalize things?  I wanted to press exactly what "I'll behave" meant but felt like it was an understood moment........then said hell nah I need clarfication because as a young child was taught "when you assume you make an arse of yourself".  He started with the communication part, answering.....then just said "behave".

Life........one day at a time.

~Peace & Blessings~

I'm not the enemy......

S and I got into a huge argument last night.....but it wasn't so much the stupidity behind the argument, it was the fact that he called me out my name in his frustration.  I called because the night before I had a thought that maybe we don't talk much because 1. He's stated that he has gotten comfortable & 2. That maybe we don't have anything in common scared to say..... He replied that I was thinking too much.  What would I like him to do?  I stated to just call and see how my day is, how are things, etc.  He stated that he knows where I am, I don't do much to put myself in harms way, and basically why it makes no difference that he can go a day or two without talking to me.  My mouth dropped..... am I boring?  Am I that much on a schedule and routine? 

Anyway, he's been stressed out with school, work, and was having some very negative thoughts on yesterday in which he shared with me afterwards.  Being the good woman that I am I encouraged him, and just started speaking positive things to him.  I've been there WITH 2 KIDS, trying to finish school, income low, and I'd like to think my stress has been at an all time high for most of the latter part of my life being a widow.  But I felt as if his frustration and anger  was then turned on me as if I were the enemy.  My late husband never raised his voice to me, never cursed me out, never called me out my name.  I wasn't raised in a yelling home, the most yelling I've experienced is when I entered the Army and had Drill Sargent's in my face.  The fact that he can go a day or two and not be worried about me because "you don't do anything....." hurt.  Men are always approaching and trying to talk to me.  Call/Text everyday to see how I'm doing, how my day was, just showing care.  I want that from my mate......from someone who states to care about me so much.  I'm hurt, I'm upset, I'm tired, I'm confused, how can the man that states he loves me so much divert so much anger my way.

I'm not the enemy.......