That moment.......

In 1971 "The Persuaders" had a number 1 hit "Thin Line Between Love and Hate".  I head this song growing up and as with many songs as I child never understood their true meaning and would just sing along.  

In 1998 a famous lyricist R Kelly also had a number 1 hit "When A Woman's Fed Up"..........He said "It's like running out of love.......and it's too late to talk about it".  In 2002 he gave us "A Woman's Threat" .....speaking of how another will enjoy all the pleasures you once had with that woman if you don't act right....

Last night for the first time I had a moment.......I dropped so many F Bomb's and for those that know me know that I rarely curse and it takes a lot for me to reach that point of pesstivity (no it's not an actual word but is for me).  After work I decided to take S a sandwich.  He had been sick in which I admit I didn't believe at first.  But just this last weekend after having a very fun conversation I asked him what I thought was a simple question, "What's the longest you've gone without sex?".  Since our discussion Christmas  I completely let things go, been in my word day and night, praying, just focused on other things.  There was no trap, no underlying motive, was simply asking my friend how long he's ever gone without sex, being I am embarking on Abstinence myself.  Well in his eyes this was a set up.  His first reply was 13 years when he was a virgin in which I responded "Wow......not even a week with us lol  You know what I mean punk! lol"  His second reply was that he was getting upset and would shut down.  I became confused as to how my simple question (to me) could cause him to become so upset.  The text went from that to him ignoring me after telling me he was lending his bedroom to some other girls and was all down heel from there. 

So.....during my visit on yesterday his exact words for explanation were "I know you and it would've been an argument".  Me, being dumbfounded, tried to plea my case, tell him that wasn't true, to please listen, and he then tells me that he's tired of listening to me. ??  That he's been listening to me for the past year and a half and that I need to "shut up and listen".  He had company over that was sitting outside with us and then went inside.....all while he was reading every message I had sent him.  I felt humiliated, embarrassed, hurt.  There was this look in his eyes like he was so disgusted with me....will never forget it.....and here I was bringing him something to eat looking stupid. 

The moment when the love that you had for someone turns into hate.......

I got in my car and the tears begin to come.  I had held them back during the ordeal but could no longer contain them.  My tears turned into a loud cry, I felt so much pain...........my stomach, my head, just a lot............and then that pain turned into anger......rage......."Fuck this!"  "Fuck THIS! I don't deserve this".  And then came..........."Fuck him.....Fuck Him......Fuck HIM!"  This then became "I hate him......"  Yep............ I later asked God for forgiveness of course but at that moment....................................it felt so good.

~Peace & Blessings~

PS: Then I get a text this morning "Good morning beautiful" as if nothing has happened at all.  Done.

Dear John......

Knowing you has had it's ups and downs over the past year and half.....we've fought, laughed, cried (me of course) and while it hasn't always been the happiest of times we're still here....still friends....still loving each other, still having fun with each other.  But.....we both know that this isn't going to have the happy ending that I've been holding out for.  When we first met all you talked about was us....our future.....the kids....being in our lives....but somehow along the way that vision became blurry.  The vision no longer included me and our time was soon replaced.  Recently we've been talking more in depth just about us, what led to different behaviors and how different events took place.  You've been communicating more which I appreciate but I think we have two different meanings for "behave" and are still on different levels.  Behave to me meant that for all this time you've played around, lied, didn't appreciate or give us a chance, that you were gonna step up and do that, be the man I needed and you once spoke about.  You had said it the week after your birthday - how you knew that you hadn't been the man you knew you could be and be for me......and then things went sour shortly after.....and here we are again....  When you said behave you said it meant to communicate more with me, not lie, not sleep around, but then backed door with comment of wanting to entertain and meet new women still.  I'm sure meeting new women is what got us off before....... You say it isn't spending time but I feel any time you're on the phone talking or texting someone else that's time that could be spent talking or texting me. Anytime you're entertaining another woman whether it be movies, lunch, dinner, that's time that could be for us.  You go home to your mom and dad and can't pick up the phone to check on us, say hello, Happy Holidays, texting here and there, so I know I can't expect a call when you're out of town, yet you mentioned inviting girls up to "get to know".  I've spent the last year and a half trying to make that time for us, getting to know us better, but I'm tired of doing it alone.  I could be giving someone else that same opportunity to get to know me......my children......someone serious about giving us a chance.  You've changed up on me so many times from Homecoming last year to the minute after you crossed into your Fraternity this one.  I made excuses and tried to give space for school and now realized that wasn't the case.  I thought that being here no matter what would finally win me the Grand Prize, but while you say that I have you......I honestly don't feel that I do.  If I truly had you you wouldn't care to want to be around or entertain other women, for me to even hear you say that after saying how much you love me and didn't want to lose me was crazy......but it was truth.  If I truly had you I would be a part of your life in all aspects......not a piece.  That's what being afraid to lose my love looks like.

I love you, always will, but I think it's time for us to go our separate ways.  Please do not call, text sending sad faces or stop by my office.  As hurtful as it may sound we both just need to let this go.............

Goodbye John........

K.Q.